Darkness will not win!

So today i write about my fears to avoid the un thinkable happening! Last year i had my first ever Panic attack. It is and was the most frightful feeling ever! You feel your body become weak, you get light headed, your heart starts to race as if you were running a marathon, and then thoughts come into play maybe your having a heart attack or stroke or something is awfully wrong. No one should have to have them or be scared of them! We all have stress some handle well some handle not so well. Until last year i thought i could handle anything that came my way. I thought i was a very strong willed and minded person with faith in her self and her surroundings. I hate to think i am weak because i can not handle all that's on my plate until recently i thought it wasn't much but it truly is.. So here's whats on my plate!



My sweet hubby and i have had a rough year last year which brought on alot of insecurities in us both. we have been struggling to pull out of them and its coming well but slowly.. Trust is hard to regain and fear is easy to let it take us over. Second i began this year with a decision to change my habits, my eating habits, make my life more active and find a new me again. Its been one hell of adventure and one i am so very proud of. I see myself grow stronger everyday in this quest and i know now i will never falter for that i am sure of. We have been trying to find jobs and get ourselves moved to the coast. Its been stressful because i want job before we move there so our family has an income some support for us.. Which means i have to commute home from the coast on my days off to see my family until we get completely moved! It could be a few months before that happens which causes those feelings from our past year to tug at us both. I feel like i am trying to so hard to please the world its draining and depressing at the same time. NO its not anyone person's fault i feel this way but, because i don't want to see my family or love falter i am trying to hard to make it all work. I am desperately tired by the end of my day. It starts at 3:30am and normally ends about 10pm! The moment my bottom hits the coach of chair i am instantly taken over by exhaust in! That exhaustion is taking effect on my love life because i am so tired i cant fight the sleep that takes over and closes my eyes lids so that adds to the added tension from last years past! I am scared for my babies.. The adjusting they will have to make when we move and i am the one who caused because i wanted the change. So i am ripping them away from all they know! Their friends, the comfort of surndings our families.. I fear our failure there when we move because in my heart i pressed the move so i feel if we fail its my fault for asking for the change, for my husband to leave his comfort and my children to leave what they know as home! Change is a scary thing but, i know it can also be an amazing adventure! So with this i just keep deep breathing and reminding myself its going to okay as long as we stick together! at least for now i have worked through the panic attack that was coming... and that's relief for sure!