The New Happenings

So the new in my life! I have started my new job which my friends found for me. I love all about it. I feel like its the first job in my life i can actually climb the work ladder and get somewhere. I see this as a great chance to gain great knowledge, to adventure and push myself where i never thought i could. My job i guess i should mention is being a night auditor at a hotel here. Its something i have never done before but, my boss has to be one of the kindest most sweet ladies i have ever met. She would go to great langhts to see an employee succeed as long as she is fully aware they are giving their all! She has been patient with my questions, she gets my simple weird witty personality and she even jokes around which is something most bosses do not do! I have met nothing but kind people there so far and the main Boss gave me a compliment which so boosted my confidence level to succeed at what i am doing.
The coast has been gorgeous though the weather is abit colder than i am use to i am sure though after time i will adjust. My friends have been great aid in helping me here, they provide and give me a wonderful place to rest my head, help me search for homes on their times off, give me support in my choices and never put me down. Its something that without their help i could not get through.
Its been a very difficult thing to not be close to home with my hubby and babies. My heart Aches for them and i find it hard to not at times cry myself to sleep not because i feel like i wont see them just because they are what makes my heart truly whole. My babies are so growing up. They don't need to hear mommies voice everyday or ask me each time when i am coming home. I went home for my first weekend last weekend to see them after being gone a week. It was amazing i watched my little boy run out of the back yard to see me and my eyes just started dripping huge tears it was one of the happiest moments of my life! I never realized how much one can truly miss someone until this moment. My little cuddle bug has been okay without me which tells me that he is growing up and my daughter i miss her conversations of how her day was and who she met, or what and who had the big complaint of her day. I miss the warmth of my hubbys loving arms and his security so very much but, its with their love and support i am able to go one. i am able to succeed in my new job and make things work.
My poor hubby has been working night and day to help us get set up to move. I am so very proud of him and all he does. Without him my life would so be empty and lost.. I have been house searching for a week now i am guessing i am way to picky cause i have not found something i really like yet except those gorgeous ones that make your mouth drop that have the ocean view lol.. I just don't want to have to pack up again and move again ya know but, time is running out and i am going to just have to pick something. I truly want to live in town but, i know my son would miss having a yard and my hubby prefers country living so i am beginning to think that a house i saw about 3 miles out of town is best for us or i should say our family.
I am ready for Saturday to get here so i can drive home and see my hubby and kids.. its going to be amazing! so that's where i am so far and soon we will all be packed up and moved here to the coast.. OHOHOH and i love the gym here its amazing and has so many things i have never used before ... I think my friends have taught me something i never knew and i hope i am helping them find out things they may have never know haha... so keep your fingers cross my lazy ass decides on a house.. i need to get my butt in gear!

Darkness will not win!

So today i write about my fears to avoid the un thinkable happening! Last year i had my first ever Panic attack. It is and was the most frightful feeling ever! You feel your body become weak, you get light headed, your heart starts to race as if you were running a marathon, and then thoughts come into play maybe your having a heart attack or stroke or something is awfully wrong. No one should have to have them or be scared of them! We all have stress some handle well some handle not so well. Until last year i thought i could handle anything that came my way. I thought i was a very strong willed and minded person with faith in her self and her surroundings. I hate to think i am weak because i can not handle all that's on my plate until recently i thought it wasn't much but it truly is.. So here's whats on my plate!



My sweet hubby and i have had a rough year last year which brought on alot of insecurities in us both. we have been struggling to pull out of them and its coming well but slowly.. Trust is hard to regain and fear is easy to let it take us over. Second i began this year with a decision to change my habits, my eating habits, make my life more active and find a new me again. Its been one hell of adventure and one i am so very proud of. I see myself grow stronger everyday in this quest and i know now i will never falter for that i am sure of. We have been trying to find jobs and get ourselves moved to the coast. Its been stressful because i want job before we move there so our family has an income some support for us.. Which means i have to commute home from the coast on my days off to see my family until we get completely moved! It could be a few months before that happens which causes those feelings from our past year to tug at us both. I feel like i am trying to so hard to please the world its draining and depressing at the same time. NO its not anyone person's fault i feel this way but, because i don't want to see my family or love falter i am trying to hard to make it all work. I am desperately tired by the end of my day. It starts at 3:30am and normally ends about 10pm! The moment my bottom hits the coach of chair i am instantly taken over by exhaust in! That exhaustion is taking effect on my love life because i am so tired i cant fight the sleep that takes over and closes my eyes lids so that adds to the added tension from last years past! I am scared for my babies.. The adjusting they will have to make when we move and i am the one who caused because i wanted the change. So i am ripping them away from all they know! Their friends, the comfort of surndings our families.. I fear our failure there when we move because in my heart i pressed the move so i feel if we fail its my fault for asking for the change, for my husband to leave his comfort and my children to leave what they know as home! Change is a scary thing but, i know it can also be an amazing adventure! So with this i just keep deep breathing and reminding myself its going to okay as long as we stick together! at least for now i have worked through the panic attack that was coming... and that's relief for sure!