At Peace with Myself!

Today I am at peace with who i am, Who i was and who i am becoming. Everyday i grow more in what i see in our world, our laughter, our lives... I see nothing as if it couldn't be any longer but as it could be. I have set goals, set plans, set my value a bit higher then before and most of all come to love myself fully. We all have a spot, a Moment if you will that something is triggered to change what paths we are in that make us un happy.. Mine was simple but yet scary It was Depression.. That Depression that i let control me took over my life, lead me to be the 290lbs i was and, to think i was not good enough for anything this world had or was in it. After many attempts and trials i decided change had happen and no one could change it other then myself. That this was my last chance to find myself and not waste the rest of my life in this unhappy measure. The battle i thought i was doing alone Wasn't so alone, It has been filled with many Loved ones, Friends, challenges, People who are stranger but yet held me together. I had and have a full community behind my life change something i never knew could happen. They say i inspire them but, if they only knew it was their will that set my path and value so highly to get there..

Today i was sad to see a close friend who struggles with her weight had become heavier. I hurt for her because i know how she feels and where she is at in her mind set. My biggest fear is that i wont be able to reach enough people to get out of that slump. No one, No one should ever have to live trapped in depression or prisoned in a body that they don't like. I know that i will never be there again ever.. I say it so Loudly and B0ldy because its a truth. Sometimes its takes drastic measure to seek change and sometimes with enough hard work we see it happen. I wont let myself fall i Have to many people to help. To many people to love, To many people that support me to ever go under.. I am truly blessed to have found me. I wish i could fix or help each person out there that struggles with their weight because i have been them and i still ache for the pain they suffer because its still fresh how it felt but i have come to know that its my past and sometimes it takes drastic measure to get to know ones self!


I had to write about this because its been on my mind since i left our friends. I think my Direction in life is to help people find that Strength to make change in their lives. I hope i can and i hope that i do them proud. I have many people that i meet at the gym everyday who ask me advice in how i am changing myself, or how to help them change their paths. I will teach them all i know and help them as much as i can to see how beautiful they are. To see how worth the work they are, to see that they can be just as happy as they want to with just a bit of support and knowledge.. I didn't learn on my own, i learned it from others, From my wonderful husbands support and love, From my good friend Cat, From the Founder Of Spark People, From my new friend Kayla who taught me the workouts i needed to know, From Holly At Goldendale Gym and Fitness with all her support and love,From my Beautiful 62 yr old friend Patty who is a healthy hot Grandmother who i aim to be at that age that helped me complete some of the most toughest challenges, From the community who has watched my changes and inspired me to become new. From Programs such as the Biggest loser series on T.V., From all the books i have read... I am so ready to share whatever i can to help others.. I cant wait to reach my goal and for the first time ever its Real.. It will Be reached and I can do it!

I Won The Biggest Loser!

Wow what a fantastic day... I never made it to the gym its funny my hubby had said he was going to take me to Lunch so i was excited until he met me at work i turned around my BF was standing beside him.. She drove all the way from Lincoln City Oregon to be here that's over 4 hrs of driving. I enjoyed a nice lunch with her we visited and hung out.. Thank God for loved ones this earth would be a very lonely place without them.. My heart is so warm and so content its not even funny. So we headed to the Finale where i modeled some of their Jockey clothes for them and visited with Other Biggest Loser Contestants. As we listened to him announce each person and their placing my tummy became soo nervous.. For the First I realized I had done it, I completed the Competition Without Quiting and I have slowly become a butterfly instead of just the Cocoon... As They called my name for First Place in The Women my eyes started to water and it came down.. I cant believe i did it? I never knew i Could be determined enough to really Win something in all my life. That is def one notch under the belt The biggest one by far but, now i am ready to finish it out.. I still have 50 lbs to lose and soon i will be the person i have dreamt to be! My prize besides my health was a few cool things... I won 972.00 dollars, a trip to Skamania Lodge for Two, 40 dinner Gift Certificate, Total makeup and hair package, a 1 hour massage, and a 8x10 Portrait .... Now that's a lot of stuff lol...


My husband is so wonderful, supportive and loving.. I could see how proud he was and every time he tells me i am beautiful i melt inside for the first time i truly feel Beautiful its funny how a lot of hard and love and we can become totally Different People then when we started out on our journey! I cant wait to take even more steps in the right direction with my health, i cant wait to climb even bigger Mts with my Husband.. I love you Jon thank you so much for all your help i truly couldnt of done it without you.. You keep me pushing, you kept me sane and you never stopped loving me on those bad days.. I love you I love you I love you!

My Mental Mind Set over the last week!

So This week has been unreal, fantastic, fabulous, breath taking.. I for once in my life love who i am not just the person on the inside like i have in the past but, this beautiful forming person i don't know yet on the outside. This week has been light at gym its been mixed emotions of not enough time in there and time i need to take off from such intense routine ya know.. I feel guilty i have taken away so much time from my family and become so focused on myself, and my health. The final last two weeks of the contest i have been working out 4-6 hrs a day in order to hold my lead. Is it enough i wont know until this evening at the Finale. My body and mind are having a very hard time adjusting to lowering my workouts to a 2-3 hour session and upped my calories so my body can catch up from lowering them way down for the past two weeks. Its good to know that I feel guilty for not doing enough for my body but yet i fear i have become obsessed with workouts and food intake lol.. I guess its the fear of being who i was and living up to the saying i say that i will never be found at that spot again in my life. I am trying to let myself realize that doing a little with still monitoring my intake will be okay but that fear that is just on the surface Wont Shut UP! Cat Is this normal? Will this subside? I Lost an amazing 52lbs during the competition I am happy with how it went but, i know my body needs to slow down that lbs shedding need to be permanently gone so that means lowering my workouts down abit :) and upping my intake so my body can replenish and let them slide off a bit at time. I never knew i could see myself this way again, I never knew i could be beautiful, I never knew i was capable of becoming this strong in who I am. I am thankful for every person at that gym They encouraged me, cheered me on, asked what i was doing and if i could assit them..I am thankful for my Husband who has let me take the time i need to become me, who has supported me and picked up when i have felt my good enough wasn't good enough. Who has helped in more ways then he will ever know.. Its because of him i see that i am beautiful.. It feels good to know that with hard work and love things can come out on top! I truly cant wait to see who i am at the end of this journey this life change has been so wonderful. Today my husband is taking me to lunch and last Friday i didn't workout blah is how my mind set was that day. Yesterday i did a 5 mile walk in about 2 hrs... My time could of been faster but, i with great company and i enjoyed just being in the warm weather. So two days this week has just been cardio nothing else no more than an hour and its got me scared to death the scale will tell me i am failing but, i come to realize life is never set in stone and anything for the most part can be corrected and in the normal i cant spend that many hours in the gym. As long i am being active daily watching my intake i should still slowly melt off the weight or at least i hope. So many doors have become open, i have made so many wonderful friends ones that i will miss dearly when i move, ones that have become a key role player in my life so moving with take some adjusting to but, i am so up for the adventure. My dream is next summer i will be me fully..I will have met my goals and my body will be fully in shape. I wont to reach to anyone who needs my help on discovering who they are and how to get away from the depression of weight issues.. I hope that when i move i can become active with the community in weight loss aids and help figure out healthier options for everyone. I think more infor thats offered the more healthier snacks and nutrition guides the greater our lives will be.. Our bodies are well oiled machines that require alot of up keep and sometimes people fail to see just how hard they work for us. I want to live a very long healthy life, I want to be like my good friend Patty that i have met on this journey she is the most Beautiful 62 yr old i know.. She is spunky, fun, loving and most of she pushes so hard to be healthy to live for her grand babies.. i wont and i will work the rest of my life to know i am healthy enough to enjoy the lives my babies bring to our world. To enjoy my babies to spend sport seasons running together to more hiking, more tickle wars, I have never truly been this happy? I am so thankful so blessed for all that h as come my way.. Thank you for being my support group here on blog spot i needed this ... to be able to vent and be myself and know that i am still loved.. Thank you Thank you Thank you!

Omg Can it Really Truly Be?

Wow... So as you all know i have been doing the biggest loser over the weeks my focus turned from that to meeting my own goals so i wouldn't give up or think it was the end of the world if i lost ( though i don't know yet if i have) I stepped on the scale this week to see the most amazing moment of my life my eyes feel with tears as i watch the number form 195LBs I am now for the first time since 2000 under 200 lbs..I started out at 290lbs in Oct. 2006 When i got married in Jan. of 2000 i was 185lb can you believe how close my goal is, how small my clothes are, how healthy i feel and good about myself. I never knew how much working out changing our paths of direction could effect me emotionally.. For the first time in my life i am proud of me, of yaya who pushed to get where i am now.. It drives me even harder to meet my final goal.. Just 50 more lbs which if i push hard enough i can make by my birthday in Sept. The people in gym have become My closest Friends, they have helped push me, inspire me to become the person i know is deep down inside. Its funny so many times before i wanted this to lose weight and feel healthy but, never enough to have truly worked for it til this year.. I just had decided enough trying or crying if i want it i have to do it, push my best and love what i become and that is how i have gotten here.
My husband he is the most wonderful man in the world.. He helped me through the hurtles of is my best good enough, is there something else i could of done better or quicker.. I would rather help 10 people who really want a life change reach their goals than even really win the contest of biggest loser because watching others joys in being healthy, and depressed free is worth more than money or gifts could ever buy. I cant wait to see what other things come along this trial, but, i know that watching my friends change and them telling me i inspired them are powerful words i never knew i could inspire anyone! I am blessed truly blessed for everything in my life. all the people i meet who i am may still keep in touch with or who have been a stepping stool or road block in my life.. I am even thankful for those who in some way have hurt because they made a stronger person and want to love everyone that much more!



So much is on my mind today.. I couldnt sleep all night long here is the events that lead up to that.. I am aware of someone who cheated in the contest i have tried let go but, i have watch all my friends at the gym work so hard to reach where they are at and that simple cheating from the one person will effect all of those who pushed so hard. I wouldnt even care if i lose but, i hurt for those i know truly deserve it more. How do you deal with something like that? For the first time last night i had to push myself not to eat out of emotional needs. It was hard and i am so sad for this even though my moment of 195 hit i just see how hard all of those women have worked. If anyone knows the key how to take away the feels of injustice when we know we cant fix it ourselves please pass it on to me. Today will be the first time in over 2 months that i have take a day off the gym it feels good and scary at the sametime because of the feelings from the events have left me abit down i so want to workout! Everyone in town is scared of this one individual because they have sued people in the past and won lots of money.. Sue happy they call it.. I wish i could find away to stand up to her. I guess though the world does have many mean dishonest people in it and we have hope that good ones always pull ahead and come out on top. I have been contemplating if i win giving the winnings to the other few i saw working so hard instead of myself i am happy with the goals i have reached, the love i have found for myself and the feeling of knowing i am capable of becoming something, someone greater than i ever knew...
and this is where i leave my thoughts...