Setting New Personal Goals

So i have decided to set myself a new set of future goals since the biggest loser is almost at an end..I dont know yet if i will win the contest or not would i love to yes since i have been leading it since week 4 now! i have decided though that if its meant to be its meant to be as long as i have given it my all and not done it without the help of diet aids, fasting, liquid diets.. i know i have done my best.

So my new goals are simple and realistic ones that i know i can achieve...

1> Get to my goal weight of 145 by my bday in Sept of this year.. thats another 55lbs

2> walk a half a marathon by the end of summer

3> Wear a Bikini for the first time in my life by next summer after i am nice and toned

4> Run the hood to coast next year

5> Maintain my weight for life or as long as my health allows me..( This one by Far Will be the toughest..

6> To lead someone else to good health with confidence and wisdom of how to get to that place i have found thanks to others...



So i have to set my eyes on new prizes to keep myself going so that if i dont win this contest i will press forward... i am now loving the new body i am in...my new but not permint skin.. I have a cute little ass now that i never knew was under neath all that fat.. I have an almost gone tummy, i have my legs that have gone down so much that i never knew was even remotely possible... I have people who have not seen me in a while do a double take that makes me want to keep coming back to the gym for more just because i know i can.. I will succeed and i will reach my goals.. maybe even sooner then possible.. I can now walk 2.5 miles in under 30 mins without being out of breath.. i can workout with ease and i feel great about me.. i love that i have alot of energy, love for myself even on those down days..

Figured out the Problem woot woot

Thank God for the Internet! So today i figured out why my weight loss was so very little this week.. I took the advice my doc whom i don't normally see and dropped my calorie in take come to find out he had me drop it way to low for my poor body.. no wonder why i have been so very tired and not losing weight this week.. Stupid Stupid me who knows our bodies best but ourselves right? So next week will be much better, as long as this last weeks bo bo didnt cost me the competition who knows hope not but, if so life goes on because i will be back to a healthy weight loss again and that's what this gal needs most! The doctor i saw told me to drop my calories down to 1200 which is way way to low for my body seeing as i Weight 209lbs.. I should at least be taking in 1500-1600 calories a day. I work out massive at the gym its my get away time, my anger reducer as you may so this i know is way more accurate than the doctor. Anyone who agrees please leave me a comment and let me know! Thanks all Sarah
And thanks Cat for the pick me up!

Fear of Failing One's Self!

I sit here with this blank page before and i know i could fill with every little thought going on in my mind. Struggling is the start of it, not with myself well kinda but, with pressure, determination, Fear, anger, want, knowledge... so much more. I look back at who i was not to long ago and i never want to turn back to her again. Today i am faced with an awful cold, last few weeks before other health problems, the weeks before that were other problems. With 3 weeks left in the competition..Is there ever a problem free week? or even day? I have never wanted to win something before, never pushed myself to be first, never thought i was capable of even getting close and through out this biggest loser competition i have been leading, i fear losing it, I fear letting myself, friends, family and town down. Its funny though i fear not beating it mostly for myself not the money, or the other prizes that might be at stake but, for the simple blunt challenge of winning and completing it for me. To know i have pushed myself to my full limits and not given up. Setting that as my challenge has become the most hardest thing i think i have ever faced. Its not even the food any more, i let that go i can live without the junk that made my body feel awful its not worth it ever again.. I feel healthier than i have ever felt before even in high school. I am struggling most with the non stop other issues that keep me holding back abit of myself for fear of failure.. Its Failure i Fear the most, questions that keep running through my mind are this: Am i pushing myself hard enough, what can i do better, how do i conquer my fear, am i still a failure, is this really happening to me? Where have i been hiding all this time?How much more can my body take? How many more hours in gym does it involve to get there? Do i deserve to win this any more than she does? Is she working nearly as hard as i push myself to do? Why do my workout buddies keep giving up on themselves and can i push past that and not let me give up on them? Can help that person make their goal? Will i fail them? These are the things that wonder through my mind. I keep saying i don't want to fail, than it became i will not fail i will win this. That phrase has me so scared that now that i truly want it, it wont happen! I have people i have never met encouraging me to keep it up, i have customers that see me daily who tell me i am doing wonderful and i am changing, melting before their eyes.. It until a few weeks ago was not super noticeable to myself and now i see those changes too and its those changes that keep me pushing. My husband is my Rock. He might not see it but, when he is there for me, tells me he is proud of me, and not to give up it makes me push so much harder. I don't want to fail him either.. So i guess this blog has become about Fear And how we at times let it control our lives. Am not Failure, or a quitter and i will conquer my own demons against my weight loss.. I so badly want to climb out of the 200's just 10 lbs to go and i am out of em. I am just ready to know i have beaten the Fear Of Failure!
These are what thoughts have been racing through my mind..

Todays Worries

My Poor hubby, i see him everyday in pain. I wish i could take it away and heal his back. We are not currently sure if its a bulging disc or a slipped disc but his back is def gonna need alot of work. We are waiting for our medical to be approved before we can move forward with anything and the pain meds he was given are not really helping.. It will be his second back surgey if he has to have one and i am scared for him. Scared for our family and what might be ahead on our road of travel. I watch him wince in pain as he gets spasm and it hurts to watch.. He had quite smoking and due to pain started again.. Two months no smoking its been difficult for me because i know he hurts but, i just want him to be healthy too. Its scary to see our partners struggle to know that we cant fix the problem and that the out come and be scary. I miss him today while he is at home today and i am at work.. seems like our days just go so fast any more and our time is so busy...

My life story

So as Child I didn't have easy. My parents where in a very unhappy marriage and they showed it often. I was 4yrs old when they first started asking who i would want to live with when they divorced..My father was a drug addict, and alcoholi, my mother worked 3 jobs to support us because dad couldn't keep one.. When i was about the age of 9yrs She pulled my siblings and i out of school because she thought she could do better than the school systems. She did have it in our best interested but, than of course is when my fathers addictions got worse and out of control, she picked up all those jobs in that year. My father sat around drunk while i school my siblings to the best of my knowledge.. I was grown by 9 or 10 yrs of age doing most of the house work, cooking you name it.. AS time moved my mother gave me the option to attend a real school for high of course i needed the freedom so i took it and than things became even more harry in my life. My work nothing i held a 4.0 all through my freshmen year but, i met boys there and fell into the trap of one that was involved in a gang. I was young and searching just to feel loved than i never knew why i was that way or things got that way but, now i see. So i got in with a wrong crowd and my father the Drunk tried to fix it by saying i couldn't see this worthless peace of shit of a boy.. yes he was but then i just wanted to be loved right?? So i didn't listen i was tired of being alone and the grown of my family when no one else was. He got pissed i and grounded me beat my ass with the belt I could barely sit the next day. by then i was 15yrs old.. i decided it was time i had delt with it long enough and i was tired and angry so i did what most think to do but never do I ran away from. During that time period when i was gone many things happened, most i have never written about until now but, i need to say to get to what happened today..

The boy i was with really was a bad seed i didn't know and i was but he had did awful things to his sister and that's why he was in an orphanage! He lead me to a friend of his to stay for the night on my first night gone from home.. Remember i was 15 and stupid... So i did i stayed there and he left so he wouldn't get into trouble from being gone past curfew.. This friend well he failed to mention was really a man! Like i said i was young so i trusted easily i needed someone to be there.... So i sat down watched Montel Williams and he offered me some orange juice with Vodka i said sure, I started drinking and i remember the room starting to become blurry about half way though my drink within about 15 mins maybe 20 then everything went black, I came to with this man on top of me my bottom clothing pulled away and of course i began to struggle scream, pull his hair you name. Hit me with something hard and than i woke again with him gone and no where in site..
I gained myself and put back together and walked the 15 miles a good friends home where she let me in asked no ?'s and helped me hide..( I have never told many people this story but i need to its part of something i let go and i want people to see its not their fault..)
So returned that next night, i never have told my mother of what happened or my father i just let it go deep down inside of me and the changes the promise never were met. Even after what happened i still went back to that Bad boy because its what i thought was the only love i could get.. my father caught me was out raged and then packed up my belongings and told me to tell my mother good bye.. He was taking me to live with his sister in N.D. so that she could straigthend me out.. My mother stood there didn't even try to stop him and let me take me away.. it was the longest drive of my live 24hrs. He didnt even stay he just left me and i had never felt even more so alone than that very moment..( now through out this event.. there is more.. so lets brake and see more of the story..)


A few days before my departure i had caught my father in an awful act.. My mother had taken in her then best friend who had an awful record with drugs in the past and the law and remember my mom worked 3 jobs... Well i watched as my father flirted and eyed this woman... they became close and one day i came home from school to find them in bed.. He still doesn't own up to it and i don't think he ever will. so back to my trip to N.D.


My mother decided to come and see me and make sure i was well , i refused to go home because there at least my aunt was there for me and had time to show me love.. my mother returned to find the awfulness of the story.. my father had run off with her friend and took my sibling with him.. no address no nothing my mother i hear had a nervous brake down and that's another long story later i will brush..

So i stayed in nd for a year or so.. found a bf that i thought i loved got pregnant and then returned home that way.. i worked full time while in North Dakota supported myself and never took any help so i had lived like an adult already for over a year. So i became a mother and still wanted nothing to really do with mine the pain was still fresh so i lived with my grandmother supported my daughter on my own and attended high school to get my diploma.. i was not going to fail her.. i would do everything in my power to give her more than i had to show love and that nothing is impossible if you really want it.. My grandmother was my Rock then she helped me with my daughter watched her while i worked and never let me down.. so this is part of my story.. i did find a wonderful man whom i was friends with in high school and he is now my husband took on my daughter as his own and nothing could ever be better..


So what lead to my story today.. A guy came in my work complaining of his teenage daughter who was being rebellious and ran away from home.. He is thinking she is pregnant, he swearing and saying she would' nt get any help from him... need to mention she is 13 yrs old.. So i opened my mouth and told my story.. I told him that teenagers all seek around of independence in life of respect and we as adults might not always view as they do.. But that it his job to be there for her help her through her challenge in life support her and hear her.. That just because he is angry it no action to show her no love that maybe she will be president or a lawyer or even just a cashier but that she is part of him and its his job and duty to be there as her father.. To giver her time and remind her he is there to listen.. that even a baby is not the end of the world but, could be that very thing that bonds them and saves her life.. I believe my daughter saved me from all that could of been and i am thankful, i will never turn my back her and i hope that Guy learns from what i said and is the father he needs to be even when its most painful and scary..

So this is where it lead today...

Funny things happen and remind us

Its funny how sometimes the past being brought up can help someone in which you don't know but need to reach out too.. Over the last few days i have had a few events remind me of how to hold on and be strong.. This last month has been a constant struggle with many ups and downs in my weight loss journey, But the world is a much bigger place than just that. We will start with yesterday..
When getting to the gym to meet someone for our 4.8 mile walk the lady at the front desk looked down and sadden. I asked her if she was okay she said no... i am alone, eating more than i should and gaining weight.. I told her if she ever needed a workout buddy or a walking partner to let me know. Needles to say my walking partner did a no show which was okay because than i could put myself to my own test.. see how quickly i could get my walk done! ON my walk my mind was only on the lady at the front desk and how sadden she was, on how i know exactly where she is and how she feels. It made me walk faster and push myself more than ever because i wasn't doing it just for me but for that young woman too.. I than returned to the gym she was done with her shift but, i sat down and wrote her out a letter about how i know where she's at and she is never alone as much as she feels it.. That if she needed a co-pilot i would be blessed to that partner.. That I too struggle on a daily basis with food and comfort from it. That it beatable and wont always run her life. I left my number and name, I truly hope she calls i want to help her realize just how beautiful and loved she is!

So second reminder challenge thought.. i will do in the next blog only because its a long story you have hear the old one first to see where i sit...


Back to today though... I am over whelmed with my obstacles, I often struggle with the thought of giving up which will never happen but sometimes you just feel like your getting no where fast lol I hope soon my body is done Rebelling against me.. So i cant just enjoy the found health i have..

Reflecting

So a Refreshed new me Back on track and not lost in thought of how close i am coming to the end. i want to take a min and reflect where i started out this past January.


Here i am working out in the gym not knowing how to make my body the way i want it but, determined that i would get there, this was my final attempt at me! So Second week still working on my own i am lifting some weights and cute little button of a woman walks up to me and ask if i am there every day.. " Yes i said i have been here everyday for the last 2 weeks trying to get me back, I say" Her simple Reply still blows me away. " you want a workout buddy, i Need someone to hold me accountable and you need help learning the ropes why don't we help each other?" Those words were the words that saved my life! Our First few weeks of working out i thought i was gonna die, i hurt so bad and was so non flexible but, she kept pushing me and wouldn't let me fail.. She says to me "I don't like losing i am very much a competitor So We are gonna do this." She taught me that working out even when your sore the next day is whats best to help improve your body where as before i would of taken the day off until i was unsore.. After the first two weeks it became a breeze i wanted me back so badly i would work my ass off trying to get there.. Now If i don't get in the gym each day my whole day is out of whack, i feel tired, i am dragging and my mood is awful... So now i see how much better one's health can be when working out the body.. For the first time in my life i know now i will never be back at the point where i began.. i am so happy with the new improved me! The weight loss is wonderful but, how i feel is even better. Yes there have been some minor problems like in the previous blog but, than i reminded myself this.. My body for so long was neglected and not taken care of it as it should of been so there is going to be some Rebellion in it against me on getting back on track right? Its like a kid who needs to learn better manors at first its the most difficult thing ever until the good becomes habit and the bad is no longer with in sight..


For the past few weeks my body has been in a slight Plato and i thought to myself its was the worst thing in the world but, its just a reminder that i need to push myself a bit harder change some things up and stop getting caught up in the i want to win this competition mode.. Before i had that thought in my head i was doing awesome.. not worrying about being first.. As much as i want to win and i know i am close i want me more, and if stressing out causes my weight to slow down than its not worth it.. I want me back and i am almost there i have another 54lbs until my goal i have lost a total of 76lbs since October of 2006! By the time i am gone i will have lost a person lol i never thought of it that way until my Friend Kayla who i work out with said it.. Its amazing how if we really focus on the good the bad gets lost in the mist of the shinning sun... Thanks Cat for Encouraging me yesterday.. And thank you Indigo for Being there as well.. You guys are soo my Support group.. loves ya .. Enjoy the day.
Sarah

Angry! Dicouraged! you name it!

I am overwhelmed, Frustrated, pissed off, discouraged you name it.. So yesterday i have a good doctors appt. i got about constipation problems not that world needs to know this but, he says my blood pressure looks good and takes me off the HZTC i was taking that had helped in getting the water weight off my calves.. My fingers today have started swelling again, and its day three no more HZTC i still am unable to have a bowl movement why i am not sure he says it was the pills but if so why every three days am i in pain do to not being able to go? Its these days that make me want to give up. I was so excited yesterday my blood pressure looking good, going off a pill seeing the doctor be happy with my weight loss fitting into a nice pair of XL workout clothes.. Lg sports bra but if i strive for health why i am getting new health problems? i have increased my fiber, been drinking loads more of water.. i workout massive its my relief in my depression i am just lost today. I feel like throwing in the towl i wont but being in pain doesnt help me feel good! Someone please direct me to what i am doing wrong? or i am meant to not get to my goal? I just need to feel good i feel enegetic, happy with my weight loss thus far but i am tired of the health issures. yes my blood pressure is better but i cant freakin get comfy cause i cant go... Grrrrrr God damn doctors in the middle of know where that dont really try to get to the root of F****ing Problem!

Heart Broken!

So today as i putting on hand lotion and going to remove my rings first i noticed that i had lost my original wedding band. I have lost weight so been wearing it on my other hand on my larger finger. Its not just wedding though it was given to my from my grandmother and it was my grandfathers before it was hers. My grandfather passed away when i was the age of 12! I was very close to him and to this day i still miss him! I had no money when i got married now rings no dress... i was just going to get married without them and my grandmother pulled me aside and gave me two bands on which was my grandfather old wedding band and the other which was also from him. I have had 9 happy years of marriage with that band and i have always felt blessed that i got to have the honor of having something that was so import and was of his! I am so upset i cant find myself not crying.. I know its sad to say but, i would of rather lost all my diamonds then that band.. it was unique white gold with 4 leaf clovers running all the way around.. I am Irish yes but its more important that it was his before mine...I should of just taken it off and left in my jewelry box.. i was so stupid. Ugh... can my day get any worse?


My hubby found my Wedding Ring all rolled up in the bed sheets on his side of the bed.. I am ever so thankful and now i am wearing it on my thumb on my right hand lol... yep my fingers have shrunk down that much... What a wonderful hubby to hunt for my Ring than you Baby Cakes you made my day!
Thank you for your comments.. and Cat i hope he finds his Ring too.. i got my fingers crossed for him as well... many hugs and loves..

Taking Flight

So i sit here with much on my mind and my heart. Through my new adventure in fitness and health i have met many amazing people,spirits some that are starting to take a new flight and some that are still slightly scared to let them selves fly with us.. My heart aches for the ones that can't find the help or confidence they need to get there. If they only knew how great the feeling really is after you get started! I am not at goal , or completely fit yet either but, i feel wonderful, healthy energetic you name it. So i wont turn back on a person who ask for a workout a partner, views on a menu plan, or even just to cry on my shoulder because i have been in there seat and i refuse to go back or let them fall if they need me! I was lucky to run into an amazing woman who saved my life. She offered her knowledge and body to help lead me on the right track, She has help me fight for who i am the woman i want to be! Everyday i am thankful for her for i have always had the strength the want but, with her help i got to where i am. She showed the roped of fitness and i in turn will do the very to help a friend. I cant say there are not down days, we all have them even the fittest person in the world but, those down days just remind we are human and have weak Nessie's but, that with focus, will power we can push them. My heart goes out to my friends that are on this journey right now, i hope i can of great help to them so they see they can do it.. If they really want me to help i promise to not let the fall! anyways that's whats on my mind and heart.. I am very ready for my daily workout, i cant wait to feel better than now its funny though i already feel on top of the world! Can it truly get better than that?

Try'N not to Feel the Guilt of the Free Day lol

So thus far i have dropped since the Biggest Loser started in Jan. an amazing 32lbs Today i am giving myself a free day, we are going to the movies and i am gonna have a small butter'd Popcorn and a small diet soda which i have only had one diet soda now in over two months! Its hard to deal with the guilt of having the free day for myself! I know i am doing well and i have pushed myself hard and i will continue to do so but, i hate that i feel like i am cheating on myself lol. So far i am in the lead of the contest i fear failure do to all in the town who push for me to win. I stick to my calories faith fully everyday no matter how difficult it is and its become a new way of life. Alot of the old stuff no longer taste the same or as good as i once thought it to be. I guess the guilt means i know i really want it this time but, sometimes we have to be free to know we can still control ourselves right? So Keep your fingers crossed that my free day doesn't let the lil town i live in down but, i need to know its okay once in awhile! I am excited for the popcorn i know funny huh but, its my absolutely favorite thing ever to have. I could live without ice cream, candy fast food you name it but the movie theater popcorn lol is my own guilty pleasure i guess! Any who i have another 14lbs to lose before i reach my next goal of being under 200lbs i cant wait. My final weight for my week i dont know for sure until Thursday but, since my last weeks weight in i have lost another lb! so yea i am gettin there and things on my end of life look so much clearer and brighter than i ever thought it could be!
hugs to everyone keep on searching deep down in your souls for who you are and what you want to be. Remember the world is only as bright as we picture it to be so keep the sun shinning and remember you can do it i believe in you all!