Letting Go!

I have never felt so loved in all of my life. As i child i seek ed it, i wanted it and i urearnd for it. I was scared to death long ago to let Jon, in to let him love me because i thought and felt i was unworthy of love! I am so glad he does.. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, his smile when he laughs with me or even at me. I feel it in his touch and hear it in his voice. i am so very lucky. I miss him when i gone from him i hate being without him in my arms or by my side. He is my family the only one i truly let be close!

There are days where i am sadden and wish my father could be the father i wish for, the one he should of been and the hurt was gone. that's why i shut him out because he never changes and has never shown me how he can truly be a father. I hurt for that wanting a father i feel like i am weak for wanting that and thinking it should be! I know i have to let it go but, how and when? I have tried I've done okay for abit and than when holidays get close i get abit sad that my family is not normal well not my family but my parents that is! The last good memories i have as a child on the holidays where around the age of 12 yrs... after that everything went to hell in hand bag.
by that i mean my father cheated on my mother with her best friend, i at 15 caught them in bed together. He didn't know how to deal with my teen adolescents so he drove me across the states to Bismarck North Dakota to live with his sister when in reality it was that he had been caught and didn't want me to rat him out with my mother.. I so should have instead of trying to hide the pain from her i should of been blunt but at 15 you don't always think that way. He broke her heart when she came to visit me after about 2wks of being in ND he left her while she was gone took off with her babies ( my younger siblings) and fled no word of where they where or why.. What kind of a cruel person does that? I think that i should seek counseling to get pasted it but will it really help? after all this time..
For along time i blamed my mother too when in all she was just trying her hardest to get by.. to help us survive the best she knew how. yea maybe she was weak to think she couldn't do better but, our past is our past for a reason and all things happen to make us who we are today! I remember being the age of 4 when i walked into hear my father shout that the only reason why they where married is because they got pregnant with me.. That has forever stuck with me even though it was said at the wee age of 4yrs. I have never been close to either parent maybe it all strains back to that yelling match i walked in on i don't know but, i have learned to let myself be distant from them both for a good reason and i wish i could heal myself! I hate that hurt for their love and their acceptance why? Why do i waste those feelings of want? why do i feel like i need them to complete me? i don't know..My unloved feelings of my childhood play a constant guilt role in my parenting not that i am a bad parent i know i am not i just constantly second guess myself so i don't make them feel unloved or unwanted you know? I only can hope that when they are full grown i hear how proud of their mother they are instead of how let down or unloved they felt!
so though i love the holidays and the music and warmth that comes from them i hate that i feel like i was a cheated child of what could of been better! Will it that ever go away? Will i ever feel full enough with my love from my kids my husband that i wont yearn for my parents love and acceptance?

I am ready to move to let go and see i am better off without him( my father) To know i am still a good person even though he never taught me love or showed it.. To know that i turned out better than i ever thought i would.. I graduated from high school as a single parent and showed everyone that i was stronger than i they thought of me.. so i love me.. when will that be enough?