The House that is Driving Me to the Loony Bin!

Ugh... I don't know if its because my PMS is riding up on me or because i am always out of time and tired but, I cant stand the messy house or lack of control that's going on in my home any more. I come home to a messy house pick it up get it all nice and neat next day same routine why? Why do i work 43 hrs a week, and still never have time for my home? I know sounds weird but the messy house it really depresses me! I use to be able to keep in nice and tidy, respectful and comforting but, now its just a mess. Pure and Simple i have let my lack of want for being at my job and in this small town walk all over me. I keep myself so busy as to not focus on the unhappiness that the town and work place bring. I mean i know i dislike my job and living area, so does hubby but, how do i push it past just long enough to get back on top? We move in about a year and i know its coming not fast enough but, its coming i just got get my feet moving and the blood running through my veins enough to get back into action.
So its now 830pm kids are tucked and i set myself here before i start my house work yes its bothering me enough that i am going to tackle some of it before heading to bed...

What things i cant stand most are this:
1. the laundry sitting on the couch waiting to be folded.,
2. the folded laundry sitting on the coffee table waiting to be put away and has been for over a week now.
3. My over flowing dirty laundry room waiting for me, yep me to pick it up and get it all organized again,
4. the dusty TVs, tables, end tables, dirty windows,
5. The clutter on the floor and counters, The dirty shoes when you enter the house,
6. The kids bedrooms that you cant walk in... My bedroom that's cluttered
7. The dirty bathrooms that only i can seem to get clean or well normal anyways..
8. The kitchen floor that needs mopped badly,
9. the poor computer desk that i can barely see my key board through
10. The empty fire bin needing filled again

and yes the list could go on .. So i don't know if its just a complaining mood i am in or that the messy house has just gotten to my brain but, i am just about on the end of my seat ready to rip my hair out and call in a freaking maid? i have never in my life done that and i would feel so sorry for her i would pay for her to watch me clean the damn thing! Am i the only mother in the world who's house looks like this? i mean i go over to a friends house theirs is clean mine i would faint if someone came over before i got to clean it up at least half way descent.
So tomorrow is Saturday my day off and guess what my weekend holds for me? I bet you guessed Cleaning huh well if so you got it right! I think though i should have some wine and a hot bath and call off cleaning til tomorrow but, than again it might make me that much more of a lazy person or feel like a lazy person. Before i worked full time my house was always so clean i miss that...And if i see any more dirty Socks i am going to run down the road screaming at the top of my lungs put me in the loony bin!

So Cat come save me from the dirty house will you? lol jk haha its just another day right? life goes on and i will over come my own house!

Letting Go!

I have never felt so loved in all of my life. As i child i seek ed it, i wanted it and i urearnd for it. I was scared to death long ago to let Jon, in to let him love me because i thought and felt i was unworthy of love! I am so glad he does.. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, his smile when he laughs with me or even at me. I feel it in his touch and hear it in his voice. i am so very lucky. I miss him when i gone from him i hate being without him in my arms or by my side. He is my family the only one i truly let be close!

There are days where i am sadden and wish my father could be the father i wish for, the one he should of been and the hurt was gone. that's why i shut him out because he never changes and has never shown me how he can truly be a father. I hurt for that wanting a father i feel like i am weak for wanting that and thinking it should be! I know i have to let it go but, how and when? I have tried I've done okay for abit and than when holidays get close i get abit sad that my family is not normal well not my family but my parents that is! The last good memories i have as a child on the holidays where around the age of 12 yrs... after that everything went to hell in hand bag.
by that i mean my father cheated on my mother with her best friend, i at 15 caught them in bed together. He didn't know how to deal with my teen adolescents so he drove me across the states to Bismarck North Dakota to live with his sister when in reality it was that he had been caught and didn't want me to rat him out with my mother.. I so should have instead of trying to hide the pain from her i should of been blunt but at 15 you don't always think that way. He broke her heart when she came to visit me after about 2wks of being in ND he left her while she was gone took off with her babies ( my younger siblings) and fled no word of where they where or why.. What kind of a cruel person does that? I think that i should seek counseling to get pasted it but will it really help? after all this time..
For along time i blamed my mother too when in all she was just trying her hardest to get by.. to help us survive the best she knew how. yea maybe she was weak to think she couldn't do better but, our past is our past for a reason and all things happen to make us who we are today! I remember being the age of 4 when i walked into hear my father shout that the only reason why they where married is because they got pregnant with me.. That has forever stuck with me even though it was said at the wee age of 4yrs. I have never been close to either parent maybe it all strains back to that yelling match i walked in on i don't know but, i have learned to let myself be distant from them both for a good reason and i wish i could heal myself! I hate that hurt for their love and their acceptance why? Why do i waste those feelings of want? why do i feel like i need them to complete me? i don't know..My unloved feelings of my childhood play a constant guilt role in my parenting not that i am a bad parent i know i am not i just constantly second guess myself so i don't make them feel unloved or unwanted you know? I only can hope that when they are full grown i hear how proud of their mother they are instead of how let down or unloved they felt!
so though i love the holidays and the music and warmth that comes from them i hate that i feel like i was a cheated child of what could of been better! Will it that ever go away? Will i ever feel full enough with my love from my kids my husband that i wont yearn for my parents love and acceptance?

I am ready to move to let go and see i am better off without him( my father) To know i am still a good person even though he never taught me love or showed it.. To know that i turned out better than i ever thought i would.. I graduated from high school as a single parent and showed everyone that i was stronger than i they thought of me.. so i love me.. when will that be enough?

Feelings

Patients, its something that sometimes we don't realize what it means. I hurt my husband, I hurt his heart. I keep telling myself in time it will heal our hearts are amazingly strong! I fear though that even though the heart will heal his trust will never be regained that's my question can it?
I watch him lay awake at night with questions racing through his mind, i see doubt in his eyes at times and it hurts to know i have let him down! I see his doubt in his actions! I broke him i made him incomplete.. i know he says he is going to be okay and that i complete him but, i know i have done something that is and well forever hang over my head our heads. last night i woke to him yet again not sleeping wide awake with questions and fears, he comes back to bed and just starts to shed tears of hating our jobs because of the time it takes away from us. I think he fears there is still a chance he could lose me but, i am not going anywhere he is what completes me.. what makes my heart beat my skip in day my smile ...
I love you Jon I am sorry for hurting for you, for making you feel insecure in us, for putting doubt in your eyes.. I hope we can push past this, that in time we both heal and our hearts beat as one! Nothing i do or say will make it better but, time and trust. The bond i hold with you is like no other i have with anyone in this world. My family they never truly taught me love, i found it when i found you. The day we met and you chased me around i knew you where a keeper and you still are... Thank you for loving me. please help put your doubt to rest..

forever yours...Sarah

My Best Friend!

Wow The saying " The Truth Shall Set You Free" Is so very true. For along time well not long but enough time i have been caring around a burden, something i feared telling my husband, knowing it could ruin our relationship, our marriage our lives together. i was so scared to lose us it showed me how much I LOVE US! Sometimes not talking spirals things into such a world wind of emotions that we lose each other, lose base, lose our sense of direction but, with guidance and love it can be easily be found again i know this now! There will never be day i am not thankful for him, or us. There will never be a day that i don't miss him, or love him. There will never be a day where he is not my very best friend. There will never be a day where we will end unless its our time to depart this world we live in! I want to grow old with him, get gray hair and wrinkles, Take many long walks, tell him my needs, listen to his wants, laugh about our children, search for an adventure and love until no end! I love you Jon!

I knew when we married i was lucky, I knew than i found my soul mate my other half that truly completes me, He was so gentle with my little girl, so caring with me, listened, laughed with me, cried with me, and not only that never gave up on me. I knew the very first day i met him in high school that i liked him more than just that cute boy who was my friend. I am glad that i waited till we were out of high school to tell him because i knew than he would really stick around and i wouldn't be one of those high school flings haha! I will never forget when i moved lol i was only 15 yrs of age but, i missed him like mad and i was crying my eye balls out, he gave me the plaid button up shirt he was wearing lol i slept with for months so i could remember his smell. i was gone a bit over a year and when i moved home lol the biggest surprise in my life was him walking up to the front porch to welcome me! Here i come home 3 months pregnant and he still wanted me to be his girl, lol when i left we were just friend, when i came home we became best friends.. We went a while without talking over stupid reason.. One day out of the blue he called me for number of a mutual friend, and took me out bowling lmao i knew that night i loved him to much to let him go!

Now here we sit almost 9 yrs of marriage and i love him even more than that very first day. He is so much my moon and stars all wrapped up in one! He makes me smile and want to be the best person i can, he is a wonderful father, husband and lover and still yes my very best friend. I am so blessed, so thankful so complete without him life would be nothing but, an empty shell of dreams!

Friends Come and Go just like our Seasons!

There comes a time in our lives where we find some friends that we were once close we have grown apart from. No one person wishes it to happen with growing comes change and with change comes distance or closeness it all depends! I believe in the saying friends come and go as season. Some are the ones for life and others are the ones that came into it to help our current situation or to teach us something we never knew. I have always been one with a big heart my love goes endless and sometimes i let myself become the door mat we all say we are not going to be! Yesterday i had to stand up to a close friend someone i love dearly and has always kinda not really been there but, i have been there for her so i have let it go and let it go and now i see the door mat that's me! I am sad that she cant find the time to be the friend i put out to her and i will be a distant friend but, not let myself get close again. I am tired of the constant let down, heart ache and wishing for her to be there when i need someone to talk to! Its hard to let go when someone has been there for so very long but, i have realized i am the one who let myself get hurt. She has always been this way and i never asked her to change just hopped it might happen.. I wish though the change had come cause at my moments i really needed her and i feel like i have always been the giver and the one time i want to be the taker she cant be available i am sad but, in time i will heal!