He holds the Key to my Heart!

So Last night my husband wrote the most amazing, blunt, honest, loving blog i have ever read! He brought me to tears to see how much he loves me, Yes i see it in his eyes, the way holds me, the way he brushes my hair off my face, and places his hand on the small of my back. I have never been so in love in all of my life, My heart aches when we are apart, i think of him from the moment he walks out our front door til the moment he arrives home! I love the way he calls me baby, the way just his words can bring me to joy, to laughter, to even tears.. He is the most wonderful i man i have ever encountered, ever met ever been given the chance to love! He always puts me first, with out any hesitation, He goes the extra mile to let me know he loves by doing the simplest things ever.



For example, i wanted desperately to rearranged my living room to make it more open, more family like but, our busy plans pushed it aside, we had a party to go to the next day with a baked cheese cake the needed to be made, i was exhausted and said we can just buy something headed for bed and my hubby stayed up baked the cheese cake and while waiting on it he rearranged my living room for me.. That's not all that's wonderful about it he had to work the next day at 330am and didn't sleep at all that night just to make me smile and happy.. I love you baby!


I love when he holds me all night long, when we lay in each others arms and look into each others eyes and no words need spoken just gazing is enough to take away my breath! I could lay in his arms all day long, never move from that spot. There is never enough time in our day, but,we always make time for each other that cuddle time, that bonding is something i could never go without. I feel so safe, so secure in where i am and i know no matter what challenges come our way we will make it through because we have each other.


I cant believe our 9 year anniversary is just around the corner. I never realized how much i could love one person until i let my heart become his, Until i walked down the isle and give him the key that no one person ever really had the chance to have, I knew long ago in high school he was special, i knew long ago i loved him and when the moment came that i had to vouch it to make him see me was the best move i ever made! I will never forget the first date, or the first kiss, I remember laying in the moving theater seats with my head on his lap, holding his warm hands around my waist thinking i was in a dream, floating across the room without any care in the world other than the love i had bursting out of me! He is my knight, my guide, my very best friend! I love you baby..


I still see my wedding fresh in my mind just as if it was yesterday, i remember his look at me when i came down the isle, i remember being so nervous that i had i to remind myself to breath... but, as soon as i came in front of him my breath became smooth and refreshed with the love of his touch his hands on mine he smiled his gorgeous eyes told me that i was safe n sound right where i was meant to be! When we get married when think that we will live happily ever after but only when the thought becomes a reality do we fully see the true love that sits before our eyes and i love every moment of it all!


I hope one day my children are as lucky as us, that they find their perfect other half, that they experience true love and know how it feels to have someone person complete you.. Jon Thank you for all you do for me, for all you have given me, for choosing me to be yours and letting me complete you! I cant wait for our trip this coming month, i cant wait to have the one on one cuddle time with you, to fall in the snow with your arms around me, to plant a snow ball smack dab on your ass, to laugh at each other as we fall all over ourselves, to sit by the fire place and listen to its beautiful silence, I just cant wait for our time where we can just sit and enjoy each others company knowing there is nothing needing to be done or taken care of other than some much needed lovin for each other!

Todays Tarot Card Reading Very Interesting!

So i get those little emails about my Tarot card readings and horoscopes for the day and the one that came my way today totally hit home! So here it goes this is what it said!


The Nine of Swords, Suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I cant do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering--no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul Search" where dawning truth meets anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that i can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgement or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.


Over the past few days with the holidays here i have been dealing with those unwanted feelings again of my father not loving me. I have been pushing myself to be healthier, working on everything but, the inside that is where it needs to start most at right? so maybe this is a sign???

The days Bullshit

As I sit here the only thoughts crossing my mind are these.... I am ready for a full weekend with my husband, no kids,no friends, no other family just us lost in a cabin together with movies, and cuddle time.. I am dreading my trip this weekend to Vancouver, i feel guilty for not wanting to go Because my Grandmother needs it, needs us so i will push myself even though i want it not.. My family gatherings are never peace full always full of drama and dragging Skelatons out of the closet or the he said she said game.. It makes it unwanted and i am sorry but, even though i love my family i just want to be normal, to not dread seeing them but be excited like i am with jons family..I am just tired of going, Tired of being tired, tired of having to plan things becuase life has gotten so busy. I look forward to new year it means the new me.. I am working towards my weight loss no matter how slow or fast it goes i will reach my goal before the end of 2009! The hardest part of it is not the change in eating or the working out or the down days its being busy. Because i have taken this on it adds to my schedul that is already packed.. I volunteer 2 days aweek at the gym, i workout 5-6 days a week for at least 1 1/2 - 2 hours, I start my job at 3am and i am tired of starting my job at 3am! i work about 43 hours aweek. I am so tired by the end of my day i cant even stay awake to watch a movie with my husband i am always passed out and woke when its time to head for bed or the show is over. I keep wishing for life to slow down and i think the only way it will is by cutting something out of it at times.. though there is not much space to add anything in after house work and home work! So this is todays bull shit of complaints list i am tired and tired and just tired!

5 Favorite Things About the Holidays

1.) The beautiful glow in everyone
2.) The smell of the fresh Christmas tree & Decorating it with Hot Chocolate and Christmas music playing=)
3.)All of the Beautiful Christmas Lights on peoples homes
4.) Watching my Babies Open their Gifts and put out Santa's Cookies!
5.) Cuddly fire place time with good company of loved ones and friends..


I truly could write so much more, I love Christmas Holiday it warms my heart and the joy I see in others is what makes it so very beautiful. Its that one time of the year that everyone is kind, loving, giving and there! family comes together and enjoy each others company, Children play in the fallen snow, and we see the sparkle in their eyes as the look at the gifts beneath the Christmas tree, The smell of the home made yummies, like the turkey in the oven, the pumpkin pie on the table.. The laughter we hear and remembering how lucky we all are to have each other..

So i don't really know many people here in the blog world if you read this and would like to tell us your 5 Christmas favs let us know.. Many hugs everyone and
Happy Holidays!

xoxoxo Yaya

My Role model

We meet many people in our life time weather it be, in person, online over the phone crossing the street you name it we have constant interaction with others who share or experience the same life challenges we do on a daily basis.. I want to Acknowledge One Person in particular that has touched my life and made a big impact on it. I don't know if she realizes this or not but, now for sure she well see how important she is to even the people she has never met!



This person is Cat, She has touched and enriched my life in so many ways. Her daily Blogs, Wonderful support and advice and the effort she is making at her healthy life style is something i so look forward to seeing, reading about everyday. I have seen her before Pictures on the wonderful world of Spark People and watched her transform into the Gorgeous Butterfly though as i have seen by photo she has truly always been Gorgeous now the Outside and inside just match a bit more equally than it had before. She has Encouraged me, let me know she is reading and watching, Given wonderful advice or an occasional hug vi email, comment or message! Her writing and life struggles and happiness is what helps me realize we are all human and go through the same loop holes, challenges, and changes in our lives. She is always Talking about her babies which Shows she is a wonderful mother and cares deeply for her family She has been their glue at times and sometimes though she might not realize it the silent messenger in their paths. We as mothers want nothing more than to see our children succeed, She is doing a wonderful job with all that's on her plate and i just wanted her to know she is my Role Model The One person i see as a leader in our world to happiness, success and change.. I wish her well on any journey her life brings her and i believe that her Sons are going to be wonderful young men someday and i see their girlfriends, wives falling madly in love with their family. If you ever need a daughter lol let me know i could easily be your adopted child lol...

Hugs dear cat!

My daily Events of Yesterday and where it ended up!

So lets start out with the good highlights of yesterday morning and go from there..
Its snowed it so beautiful i finally feel like its the Christmas season, i woke up early walked out for abit in the winter weather, had a warm cup of coffee and made my family breakfast. We all laughed and were happy because the snow meant day time fun! We got all bundled up in our snow gear ( snow pants, winter jackets, insulated gloves and sleds in hand) What a day we had ahead of us in the 4 degree weather up on the pass lol.. Our first adventure making sure the 4wheel drive still works and oh yeah baby she does and climbs that mt side with ease, watching the snow pile up on the branches, and the weight weighing them down and they give to the winter weather, driving in un touched surroundings, watching the birds try to get warm, i couldn't wait to jump out of the truck and throw a mean packed snow ball! Watching my children laugh, play and enjoy it is worth anything i could ever imagine! So we all hit the un touched snow hills with our sleds and snow boards in hand and well yea sweet old yaya she ended up in fir tree head first blinded by the new powder that hit my eyes, i am thinking next time i should remember the snow goggles lmao! after much fun there we decided to hit a much more kid friendly spot for the kids at Brooks Snow park!
Upon arriving the freshly packed snow on our sledding hill is deep and smooth waiting for us to hit the run woot woot.. haha i took myself up and down that hill for at least two hours. Watching my kids go down the steep hill and over the jump they catch air and sled right past our feet to the powdery end haha it was more fun the my whole month wrapped up in one! WE get our self an early dinner at Subway , go home watch a movie and have some warm hot coco with marsh mellows! Enjoyed good friends Company and so on..Get the kids all tucked in the xmas lights up and running and enjoy the warmth from the wood stove in the living room!
So my day was wonderful, i felt loved, happy comfort in knowing all who i loved was safe n sound and headed myself off for nite nite..

as i lay there my head starts turning and i cant sleep, i sit think to myself how hard i had worked all year long last year to get my weight off to be fitter than i had been, now look at me i am again working on the same weight i had taken off last year why??? i ask myself because i had gotten lazy, and not made time for me, let myself go because of the business of our lives and told myself it was okay. i was stupid and i have to work twice as hard to make myself get there to my goal. First one be under 200 lbs by the end of year i think its do able and more than that i know i can get past that first goal but, i hate how long it truly takes. I have to remind myself daily that i am a good person, that i am pretty, that i am loved and doing better for my body in the long run but, i still have those down days where i hate they way i look. I know all of us women do we have days where we wonder how we let ourselves get to the spot we are in now! I hate that i was silly and naive to letting my body go as i became a woman. i stopped caring about me when i was 21 happily married, baby on the way and i knew that he loved me no matter what. I guess that put a security there so i didn't care, i didn't try to be healthy or look my best i let myself slide and get way way out of shape and now i have to work my ass off and find me again! I am ready for my workout today, i ready for tomorrow , and every day after that knowing i am working that hard to make myself live that much longer to enjoy my babies. Other thoughts entered my head from there of how this city misses the city but, is going to badly miss the winter weather i love.. Its my season, my joy , my laughter i love it all. The bundled up kids, the frosty leaves, the ice cycles hanging from the branches, the smell of the wood stove and the cuddling to recover from our cold weather.. That i will miss but, i am going to make sure i have a yearly snow pass for the mt. or else we cant move! I know that moving is the best thing for us, i am tired of driving 30 miles to do my grocery shopping or 100 miles to see my friends and in laws..
My night time thinking ended in wishing for more snow, that my kids have the day off school to enjoy it and that i too cant wait to throw my next Snow ball..

Kinda a Blue day!

Today has been a day of questioning myself and doubt. I ran into an older lady at the gym and she asked how long i workout a day i told her i do an hour of cardio a day and every other day i added in strength training so on those days my workouts are about and hour and 45Min's.. She says its too much cardio.. I was fine until she made this statement and its not wearing me out and i don't feel like collapsing when i am through so whats the right and wrong amount to workout. I feel lost now like maybe i am harming my body. Though all in all after my workouts i feel so energized and alive i mean if it was bad for me wouldn't i be exhausted and dieing? i am doing my best on my own to get to my goal a better healthier me.. I eat about 1800 calories a day, i burn about 400-500 calories a day at the gym if my body feels hungry yes i will eat but other wise i am trying to stick to my calorie goals. I feel so good like i am doing better and trying to mix my foods up. I just thought until this point with this lady today i was on track doing better and than she puts that small bit of doubt in the back of my mind like i don't know myself or my body. i am tired of being heavy, tired of being in this body i am imprisoned in. I want better i would love to be under 200 lbs even if its 198 by the end of April i am at 230 now so i just guess i am pushing for something i cant see but, i feel i will reach if i keep pushing myself to do this.. Yes there are many days i don't feel like getting my butt to the gym but, i want this badly enough that i make myself drive there and just step on the machine and before you know it, its done over with and i feel way more energized than i began my day. Cat maybe you can help me? am i doing to much or to little or eating not enough or too much.. i don't know if only i was rich and i could hire a trainer maybe than i wouldn't feel lost in the dark. this journey thus far has been the most difficult of all.. i have been off and on this route now for over 2 yrs but, i have not given up i always get myself back on track and lose the weight i put back on. this time though i told myself not more on and off shit its only on and i am going to get my ass to the end of my goal. i hate that i feel at times of giving up and that i think to myself my husband loves me over weight why cant i? than its those moments i brake down crying saying i don't like my body. I know my working out and eating better are the only things that will get me to that point but, when will it feel like i am there? when will i be closer and how the heck did i let myself get to this point anyways. I have not enough hours in my day so yes i lack in the sleep department but, its not like the rest of the world doesn't either. I hate hate hate being heavy.. its that hate that drives me to get healthier and workout harder to make it happen. i am joined the biggest loser challenge at my gym and i am hoping i can reach it there or even just get myself better than i am now. I mean i love who i am i just want the outside to match the inside. the goofy, bouncy me that over flows and makes everyone smile but myself because i let myself image eat away at my love for myself.. Its my working out and eating better though that reminds me i do love my body enough to get out of the ditch i have put myself into no matter how hard the road that lies ahead is..

Honesty

Thanks Cat!

Here are the rules:

I have to list 10 honest things about myself, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers.

1.) I am Shy in Large Groups of People Even though i am outspoken among friends and family!

2.) I have a Cow Complex Where no matter how much weight i have lost i still see myself as the Cow

3.) I hate to be Wrong and i am normally the last one to admit defeat

4.) I Sing in the Shower and the Car at the top of my lungs!

5.) I hate all Feet except babies Feet

6.) I am a People Person Without human contact i go crazy

7.) I fully Believe in Karma and And what goes around comes around

8.) I am a complete Winter Person ( Snow bunny ) I love all aspects of the season, the cold the snow, the ice and the holidays that come along with i t!

9.) I am Scared to Death of Failure, that's why i have not yet got my ass in school thank god i am pushing myself to do it next year!

10.) I am a true Romantic , I may not say it but, i am a total mush for flowers, wine, candle lit dinners, slow jazzy music that sets the mood and even those yummy lil chocolate covered strawberry's.

So i don't have 7 people to pass this along to but, i will pass it on to My hubby

Jon at Something

Those little moments

Its nice when things in our lives finaly get on track again and run smoothly. Less drama at times means so many more smiles, less heart ache and pure happiness. My hubby took our 10 yr old Faith out for a special lunch yesterday.. She was on honor roll second month in a row boy am i proud of her.. She couldnt stop going on about her lunch time her special time with daddy it just brought tears to my eyes and yet again i am crying lol! I cant help but say how thankful i am Jon came into our lives. He has added such wonderful personality to our daughter.. She laughs has such a sense of humor of which i would die to have. Gorgeous smile and with daddy everything is okay! Sometimes its those moments we remember what and why we are blessed!


I anxious for my day.. It calls for nice peace full nap in front of the fire place, some much needed laundry being washed and a killer workout.. I cant wait to go sweat my Ass off Today. Who would of thought such a thing could bring ones day into full swing. lol I am addicted to laughter, to smiles, happy people, knowing i made their day our brought sun into the dark clouds that could of been hanging over their heads. In less than a year i will be moving I am beyond ready and very excited but, at the same time sadden to think i will be leaving my customers behind. They have been such a ride through out my journey. Those customers that come in on a daily bases and share their lives, laughter, sorrow and joy with us they are big stepping stone in our lives. I will come visit often just to hope to run into a few of em. Its hard when we lose someone to in our world and through my job as a mini mart cashier/ asst manager lol i have seen soo much! I have watched the young teens grow up and be married lol cuter than heck, Watched many 50th anniversary's, watched some lose loved ones, make new friends, snow falling and customers at a panic and our coffee, directions, and warmth melt the fear away.
I have lost many good customers who have passed on and walked up above us and those ones i hold dear. Flagged accidents, pushed started many cars, given a fuel when some one's funds are non available, Even a few rides all the way up to Yakima which is 80 miles from here! Being in a small community it becomes more than it becomes a family. You know like when i don't see or hear from my regular truck drives that pass through knowing their routines we worry because we care.. I hate to think something happened to make their route change that day and only hope for the best lol!


So call me mushy its okay i love my job and hate it all in one.. Not because of its lack of joy but, i just want to blossom and gain more knowledge from our world.. School is calling my name and i am so ready to face it dead on and see where this new adventure takes our family! I can never say enough how blessed i am to have everyone i do in my life, if i can make one person smile a day i know i am doing my job to the best of my ability
So be thankful for all we have and what we have for tomorrow is another day and you never know what lies over the rainbow!

Feeling on Top of my Game!

Wow is all i can say. I have started my workouts full swing now almost a week, things look brighter, my sleep is better, my feelings of myself worth is way higher than it once was. I signed up for the biggest looser challenge next month so keep your fingers crossed i can do it lol.. I want to win so bad but, not the grand prize i want to win knowing i have worked my butt off and met the goals i have set forth! I know that when working out is what makes my day, makes me energized and feels like i am on top of the world than its that i need to be doing at this exact moment right? My husband is being to supportive in this. He doesn't get upset with my time away and is helping out so much around the house with the kids .. Its been wonderful i miss him today though he is working his days have been long with work but, its what needs to be done and i am so very proud of him. I just wanted to say my day thus far has been amazing. I hope tomorrow is just as bright!

Getting back on track!

so Today is day one back in the gym. I cant wait to be back on track, following my food consumption and making myself feel like me again. I start volunteering today and from now on every wednesday this month.. Than after that next month i do it two days a week, so i get my member ship free woot woot Cant beat that deal right? Oh the hardest part about being me is controling what i put into my body. I have a bad habit of eating when i am down, happy, mad, you name it i eat for comfort. How does one brake themselves from this?i thought i master'd it long ago and than found myself to gain back 7lbs of the weight i have lost. :( Its hard to be me i have decided but way worth the work! ugh eating right, changing our ways can be the most difficult part about living at times. So i ask if you get the chance encourage me, push me, nag at me help me make it to my goal, be healthy and happy i am healthy! So Deep breaths... I am so ready i cant wait for my workout today.. Its going to be feel so good!

My Baby

MY BABY

Mornings of Sunshine

Evenings are Clear

all things workout

when you are near

Shadows get distant

I lose fright

not alone

when you hold me night

warmness is cozy

sleeping in your arms

never feeling angry or any harm

Loving me Gently

each day through

these things you do

make me believe in you

I see the true love

through every door

Don't ever leave

I'll fall through the floor

Challenges have come and gone

Mountains have blown

Still i stand here

and never alone

Your heart holds the key

no one else See's

the raw and true me

i was meant to be

Love never came as i was young

Not feeling it than scared me

you see

But you opened the door

that was meant for me

You gave me unconditional love

like no one else could

i never knew

i could have it this good

So thank yous

are never enough

for your love you see

because it showed

me i could be free

from anger and guilt

and parents in the past

to be fully happy

its came at last

I love you baby

with all i am

thank you so much

for being my man!

By: Sarah Wood

The House that is Driving Me to the Loony Bin!

Ugh... I don't know if its because my PMS is riding up on me or because i am always out of time and tired but, I cant stand the messy house or lack of control that's going on in my home any more. I come home to a messy house pick it up get it all nice and neat next day same routine why? Why do i work 43 hrs a week, and still never have time for my home? I know sounds weird but the messy house it really depresses me! I use to be able to keep in nice and tidy, respectful and comforting but, now its just a mess. Pure and Simple i have let my lack of want for being at my job and in this small town walk all over me. I keep myself so busy as to not focus on the unhappiness that the town and work place bring. I mean i know i dislike my job and living area, so does hubby but, how do i push it past just long enough to get back on top? We move in about a year and i know its coming not fast enough but, its coming i just got get my feet moving and the blood running through my veins enough to get back into action.
So its now 830pm kids are tucked and i set myself here before i start my house work yes its bothering me enough that i am going to tackle some of it before heading to bed...

What things i cant stand most are this:
1. the laundry sitting on the couch waiting to be folded.,
2. the folded laundry sitting on the coffee table waiting to be put away and has been for over a week now.
3. My over flowing dirty laundry room waiting for me, yep me to pick it up and get it all organized again,
4. the dusty TVs, tables, end tables, dirty windows,
5. The clutter on the floor and counters, The dirty shoes when you enter the house,
6. The kids bedrooms that you cant walk in... My bedroom that's cluttered
7. The dirty bathrooms that only i can seem to get clean or well normal anyways..
8. The kitchen floor that needs mopped badly,
9. the poor computer desk that i can barely see my key board through
10. The empty fire bin needing filled again

and yes the list could go on .. So i don't know if its just a complaining mood i am in or that the messy house has just gotten to my brain but, i am just about on the end of my seat ready to rip my hair out and call in a freaking maid? i have never in my life done that and i would feel so sorry for her i would pay for her to watch me clean the damn thing! Am i the only mother in the world who's house looks like this? i mean i go over to a friends house theirs is clean mine i would faint if someone came over before i got to clean it up at least half way descent.
So tomorrow is Saturday my day off and guess what my weekend holds for me? I bet you guessed Cleaning huh well if so you got it right! I think though i should have some wine and a hot bath and call off cleaning til tomorrow but, than again it might make me that much more of a lazy person or feel like a lazy person. Before i worked full time my house was always so clean i miss that...And if i see any more dirty Socks i am going to run down the road screaming at the top of my lungs put me in the loony bin!

So Cat come save me from the dirty house will you? lol jk haha its just another day right? life goes on and i will over come my own house!

Letting Go!

I have never felt so loved in all of my life. As i child i seek ed it, i wanted it and i urearnd for it. I was scared to death long ago to let Jon, in to let him love me because i thought and felt i was unworthy of love! I am so glad he does.. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, his smile when he laughs with me or even at me. I feel it in his touch and hear it in his voice. i am so very lucky. I miss him when i gone from him i hate being without him in my arms or by my side. He is my family the only one i truly let be close!

There are days where i am sadden and wish my father could be the father i wish for, the one he should of been and the hurt was gone. that's why i shut him out because he never changes and has never shown me how he can truly be a father. I hurt for that wanting a father i feel like i am weak for wanting that and thinking it should be! I know i have to let it go but, how and when? I have tried I've done okay for abit and than when holidays get close i get abit sad that my family is not normal well not my family but my parents that is! The last good memories i have as a child on the holidays where around the age of 12 yrs... after that everything went to hell in hand bag.
by that i mean my father cheated on my mother with her best friend, i at 15 caught them in bed together. He didn't know how to deal with my teen adolescents so he drove me across the states to Bismarck North Dakota to live with his sister when in reality it was that he had been caught and didn't want me to rat him out with my mother.. I so should have instead of trying to hide the pain from her i should of been blunt but at 15 you don't always think that way. He broke her heart when she came to visit me after about 2wks of being in ND he left her while she was gone took off with her babies ( my younger siblings) and fled no word of where they where or why.. What kind of a cruel person does that? I think that i should seek counseling to get pasted it but will it really help? after all this time..
For along time i blamed my mother too when in all she was just trying her hardest to get by.. to help us survive the best she knew how. yea maybe she was weak to think she couldn't do better but, our past is our past for a reason and all things happen to make us who we are today! I remember being the age of 4 when i walked into hear my father shout that the only reason why they where married is because they got pregnant with me.. That has forever stuck with me even though it was said at the wee age of 4yrs. I have never been close to either parent maybe it all strains back to that yelling match i walked in on i don't know but, i have learned to let myself be distant from them both for a good reason and i wish i could heal myself! I hate that hurt for their love and their acceptance why? Why do i waste those feelings of want? why do i feel like i need them to complete me? i don't know..My unloved feelings of my childhood play a constant guilt role in my parenting not that i am a bad parent i know i am not i just constantly second guess myself so i don't make them feel unloved or unwanted you know? I only can hope that when they are full grown i hear how proud of their mother they are instead of how let down or unloved they felt!
so though i love the holidays and the music and warmth that comes from them i hate that i feel like i was a cheated child of what could of been better! Will it that ever go away? Will i ever feel full enough with my love from my kids my husband that i wont yearn for my parents love and acceptance?

I am ready to move to let go and see i am better off without him( my father) To know i am still a good person even though he never taught me love or showed it.. To know that i turned out better than i ever thought i would.. I graduated from high school as a single parent and showed everyone that i was stronger than i they thought of me.. so i love me.. when will that be enough?

Feelings

Patients, its something that sometimes we don't realize what it means. I hurt my husband, I hurt his heart. I keep telling myself in time it will heal our hearts are amazingly strong! I fear though that even though the heart will heal his trust will never be regained that's my question can it?
I watch him lay awake at night with questions racing through his mind, i see doubt in his eyes at times and it hurts to know i have let him down! I see his doubt in his actions! I broke him i made him incomplete.. i know he says he is going to be okay and that i complete him but, i know i have done something that is and well forever hang over my head our heads. last night i woke to him yet again not sleeping wide awake with questions and fears, he comes back to bed and just starts to shed tears of hating our jobs because of the time it takes away from us. I think he fears there is still a chance he could lose me but, i am not going anywhere he is what completes me.. what makes my heart beat my skip in day my smile ...
I love you Jon I am sorry for hurting for you, for making you feel insecure in us, for putting doubt in your eyes.. I hope we can push past this, that in time we both heal and our hearts beat as one! Nothing i do or say will make it better but, time and trust. The bond i hold with you is like no other i have with anyone in this world. My family they never truly taught me love, i found it when i found you. The day we met and you chased me around i knew you where a keeper and you still are... Thank you for loving me. please help put your doubt to rest..

forever yours...Sarah

My Best Friend!

Wow The saying " The Truth Shall Set You Free" Is so very true. For along time well not long but enough time i have been caring around a burden, something i feared telling my husband, knowing it could ruin our relationship, our marriage our lives together. i was so scared to lose us it showed me how much I LOVE US! Sometimes not talking spirals things into such a world wind of emotions that we lose each other, lose base, lose our sense of direction but, with guidance and love it can be easily be found again i know this now! There will never be day i am not thankful for him, or us. There will never be a day that i don't miss him, or love him. There will never be a day where he is not my very best friend. There will never be a day where we will end unless its our time to depart this world we live in! I want to grow old with him, get gray hair and wrinkles, Take many long walks, tell him my needs, listen to his wants, laugh about our children, search for an adventure and love until no end! I love you Jon!

I knew when we married i was lucky, I knew than i found my soul mate my other half that truly completes me, He was so gentle with my little girl, so caring with me, listened, laughed with me, cried with me, and not only that never gave up on me. I knew the very first day i met him in high school that i liked him more than just that cute boy who was my friend. I am glad that i waited till we were out of high school to tell him because i knew than he would really stick around and i wouldn't be one of those high school flings haha! I will never forget when i moved lol i was only 15 yrs of age but, i missed him like mad and i was crying my eye balls out, he gave me the plaid button up shirt he was wearing lol i slept with for months so i could remember his smell. i was gone a bit over a year and when i moved home lol the biggest surprise in my life was him walking up to the front porch to welcome me! Here i come home 3 months pregnant and he still wanted me to be his girl, lol when i left we were just friend, when i came home we became best friends.. We went a while without talking over stupid reason.. One day out of the blue he called me for number of a mutual friend, and took me out bowling lmao i knew that night i loved him to much to let him go!

Now here we sit almost 9 yrs of marriage and i love him even more than that very first day. He is so much my moon and stars all wrapped up in one! He makes me smile and want to be the best person i can, he is a wonderful father, husband and lover and still yes my very best friend. I am so blessed, so thankful so complete without him life would be nothing but, an empty shell of dreams!

Friends Come and Go just like our Seasons!

There comes a time in our lives where we find some friends that we were once close we have grown apart from. No one person wishes it to happen with growing comes change and with change comes distance or closeness it all depends! I believe in the saying friends come and go as season. Some are the ones for life and others are the ones that came into it to help our current situation or to teach us something we never knew. I have always been one with a big heart my love goes endless and sometimes i let myself become the door mat we all say we are not going to be! Yesterday i had to stand up to a close friend someone i love dearly and has always kinda not really been there but, i have been there for her so i have let it go and let it go and now i see the door mat that's me! I am sad that she cant find the time to be the friend i put out to her and i will be a distant friend but, not let myself get close again. I am tired of the constant let down, heart ache and wishing for her to be there when i need someone to talk to! Its hard to let go when someone has been there for so very long but, i have realized i am the one who let myself get hurt. She has always been this way and i never asked her to change just hopped it might happen.. I wish though the change had come cause at my moments i really needed her and i feel like i have always been the giver and the one time i want to be the taker she cant be available i am sad but, in time i will heal!

Fall Colors!

Look at the beauty this world has to offer? i love the pretty falling color'd leaves that hit the ground, the cool crisp wind brushing my face and the laughter of the kids playing in the fallen leaves! We set out on an adventure to find some pretty fall colors and found this pretty little park near NorthWestern lake! haha WE had two pretty geese come up to our feet and eat right in front of us it was just breath taking. my once dapen mood had become peacefull and sunshiney all in on breath. There is nothing like a good old family drive to chat and enjoy the beauty that waits at our feet. Take pride in our world, walk along the beaches, swim in the rivers, lay in the fallen leaves. not everyone in our nation has what we do so gobble it up, breath it in and live it to its fullest!

9 Words Women Use!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.



So i got this from my Aunt and I had to post and share lol!

A Peaceful Ending!

So my once started foul
mood day ended in a much happier state of mind! The first bright thing that lifted my spirits was faiths first goal of the season! I am so very proud of her! Last year at soccer she was this timmed thing that wouldn't even run up on the ball and she has done a complete 360! My hubby made it there in time to see the big moment! All season lon he promised her a celebration cake if she made a goal and she did it just in the nick of time it was the last game of the season! Way to gooooo FAITHIE Mama is sooo proud of you!
Second good point of my day was a much needed nap it left me refreshed and ready to enjoy the afternoon with my hubby and kids! We went up and let my mothhers dog out for her (she is out of town) and watched the kids run laugh and play! We than got stuff to make dinner (fried egg sandwhichs)yummmm!
The greatest hight light of my evening was simple lol my husband and I together making dinner talking and enjoying each others company! I am so blessed and I know I need to stop stressing over the little things lol and let go of the shit that brings my day down so its off for a warm bath and enjoy a cold beer! I love you jon thank you for our time together and I am proud of you for keeping your promise to me!

Letting Go of Todays Thoughts!

So my mood started out foul yesterday evening. My day had been great, i was bouncy, laughing making jokes my customers had made my day! It was good, i spent time with Jon, WE together picked out Halloween Costumes at a Costume shop, enjoyed lunch together and so forth. Faiths Friend came over i try hard to except that not everyone is handled well and that patients is needed when being in my situation! We had arranged to have some friends come over for drinks i didn't even think of how maybe faiths friends mother would view that so like any good parent should i called and double checked that it would be okay. Come to find they don't even casually drink around her so i simply didn't drink problem solved. MY mood became foul and i couldn't shake it or maybe its that didn't want to make myself shake it. WE can control our moods and today i had set myself up for the foul mood and than i was not to pleasant to be around! I feel badly for it. I have just let so much of the burden of our lives effect my happiness its not even funny. Why? worrying solves nothing but makes the subject worse! Our money has been tight beyond tight but, it always has been i just guess i have come the braking point of realizing i am tired of it! We ran out of propane today and its what heats my home, makes my water warm, and runs my dryer SO i am down. My poor hubby he is trying so hard to make me laugh and happy he is such a wonderful man. I feel badly that i cant just make that smile be there or let go of things.
I have been upset about my home, its slowly falling apart i cant keep up with my house work any more since my work load, and my grandmother, and trying to make time for everyone! I cant just find a day to sit and i hate having any company at my home with it a mess. It s my pet peeve i guess i love cleanness and my house since i started working full time has never yet been that way again. I feel like live in a pig pin that i don't even recognize! I hate the funny smells i cant pin point, the dusty TVs, the non cleaned carpets, the non mopped floors, my dirty bedroom and the laundry that never seems to go away! Jon is helping he is trying and i am just so picking its not much help to him. Honestly my messy house has been a big part of my Foul mood! I feel ashamed that its not like it use to be, my kids rooms need attention and they cant give it the proper amount it seems, i feel like i have stepped into some strangers home of filth!
I know sounds like madness or a woman who just needs to relax but in all there is not time for that! So i am off for a soccer game with my daughter, than a pizza party with her team, home for dinner and back to let out my mothers dogs.. I hope my day ends up better if so later on i well check back and post the happiness that has come!

Worries!

Feelings of guilt seep into my belly as i think about my vacation. I know he says to take it but, i just feel awful knowing he is working so many hours! Its hard working for the same place of employment. much harder than i ever thought it would be. I feel like he cashed out his vacation so that we could get caught up on bills and here i sit taking mine and he is stuck working. How can i take it without feeling guilty? I hate my job not the people, or smiling faces i see everyday who are happy i am there. i am just stuck in rut, in feelings of hate for what time its taken away from us you know? i think that is why i have that hate for it. I have the days where i am down, grumpy and moody, today is one those days! just blah tired of bills piling up and never feeling on top of anything any more. I feel like i am failing cause i cant keep on my laundry, house work and and do my job i know every modern woman does all these things and i feel like i am someone who is weak cause i cant keep up on it all!
I worry that if he cant make me happy he is going to think i am leaving, i am worried that he is going to try to so hard all the time that he will tire of me. I am not going anywhere i am happy with him no one else but by telling him my feelings i have caused such insecurity in him and i feel sad for that! I see us better now than before but, i just hope i don't ever let him down. I cant do it all any more like i could before. i feel so badly that i cant do everything and getting everyone organized and on course. like i said its just a blah day..I guess all this tired ness of things have put me in mood and i feel like i am just simply failing!
I wish i could super woman lol if only it were there that simple! than all would good and complete everyone happy with clean clothes on their backs, dinner in their tummies and everything done!I need to cuddle i just need to be held and know i am not a failure though it doesn't matter how much i am told its just how i feel today! So many people turn to me, or ask me for advice and i don't see why i am no smarter than anyone else.. i am just a thinker.. I think and i analyze everything, i read people well and see their feelings in how they act, i am people person. I hate having someone sad, or mad or knowing i let anyone down! If i could do one thing in this world it would be to send everyone person out my door smiling and knowing they are loved and needed! so this is whats on my mind today.. feelings of failure, like i have caused panic in my partner, and like i have let down everyone including myself.. tomorrow will be new and things will be fresh and this foul mood will be gone!

Children Show Us Who To Be!

Its funny as we become grown ups our lives change, things become serious, funny stuff is adult humor and those childhood moments are no more! We went to a friends house for a BBQ and fun times. As we were sitting on the coach visiting our kids were preforming plays they had created lol it was the best to watch them sing, dance, joke around laugh those moments are the ones you hold on dearly to! I will never forget them and i am thankful they are able to be free spirited children with good imaginations and dreams! Seeing them smile, and do there thing makes me realize i am doing my job good! WE often judge ourselves and are harsh on our parenting so many of us don't want to make the same mistakes our parents did or raise our kids better than the life we had. That was my prim goal as a mother to give them more love, more laughter and joy than i had as child! I see now i am different than my mother and my father, for a long time i swore i was them, doing a poor job and letting them rule over how i was doing it. One day i just got fed up i moved 100 miles away and decided i am who decides what is and who is in their life no one else! Sometimes its the best part of growing to move away and see what we are really made of! Who we are how independent we can truly be! i use to depend on my grandmother for everything she was and still is my rock in life! Often times we forget how to be our own person and its those times that we feel the most lost because we have let go of who we are! Needing help does not mean we are helpless it just means we are human but needing help and letting others lead your life are very different situations! I am fully in charge of me, myself and I, I will not let anyone else rule it or run it. I am the maker of my dreams and the catcher of the ones i hold dearly. I am the mother, the wife , the sister, the aunt, the daughter, the granddaughter and so forth i am me! I wont let anger, sadness be the forever ruler of who i am any more. I have always been a free spirit waiting to catch the shooting star way up in night sky. I am glad i am back at that point in my life. I am in love so much in love with my life, my husband and our goals. I cant wait to reach the new chapter in my life when i start school and work for a career to help us build our lives together. I cant wait for my kids to see us attack our biggest fear of failure and see nothing can stand in your way if you really work hard and know its worth working for! We all dream of success , goals, happiness and freedom, No one person ever said those things would come easy but, with hard work and persistence we can have whatever we set our hearts out to reach.. So dream, Dream big and strong and know that you can achieve whatever it is you truly want with the passion in life you put out! this is my days thoughts thus far and i keep replaying the plays our kids were putting on last night. It makes me smile to know they can be kids!

Pumpkin Patch Day

So we took the kids to the pumpkin patch and had lots of fun. It was a beautiful sunny day and my husband made me feel like a young high school girl again pulling me behind the crowd to sweetly kiss me with his soft lips.. mmmmm i love the feeling of those lips they make me feel so loved and want more lol.

We found our many pumpkins, wonder through the corn maze, tunneled through the dark pumpkin house and looked at the exciting pumpkin themes! I must say all in all this is and was a happy day! Now its off for a bbq with some good friends and movies woot woot!

The end to my sadness and The beginning to our lives!

When we first take our steps in our life we struggle to get the right footing in front of us as to not fall and get a bump, Sometimes its just like in our adult lives We struggle with the daily challenges of our lives and hope that bump doesn't hit us hard. Those bumps, those mild stones in our lives are what makes us who are today. Nothing happens for no reason its simple sometimes we cant see the reason at that moment.
6yrs ago my husband and I moved our family to small town out here in the eastern part of Washington. We found a job at the same place and decided together it would make a good life for us. Buying this business would help us later on in our path of life. So we pushed worked hard and gave everything to it, lots of hours, lots of lost moments, and one day it hit me I didn't want it any more. It was taking valuable time from my family my life my person, so i slowly started asking my husband to spend more time at home and less time at work. Its hard when we grow we change just the like the season sometimes its good and sometimes those awful traits we hate are hard to shake free of. I loved him so much that i let him go, to this job this goal we had set long ago in the past. I realized i wanted more, i want to get a career where my life does not revolve around my work, my children don't suffer and my marriage is top priority in life. After awhile asking him to make his days of his days off he just seemed to throw himself more into work. I know it was not intentional for him to neglect us but, in the end my non voice is what helped it happen. I stopped talking, i stopped being the nagging wife i thought and feared i had become. I slowly started to fade into a deep depression, Sadness is all i felt and alone. I felt i had become a single parent. Over time my love for him slowly started falling away. I had never thought so much that what i wanted as younger person would change as i grew but, it has and i am thankful i took the advice a good friend and spoke my mind!
I had to go out of town for a family wedding it was than it hit me, I didn't want to return to my home, my husband i wanted to stay away and not face the feeling in my gut. This feeling of lost love and not knowing who he was, who we were any more. I knew the us from the beginning not the us at the present time any more. He use to be my person, my best friend my lover and my soul mate and i feared so much that it had gone away! I thought for sure i had lost him to this job, this small town that in my heart i knew was not going anywhere.
So we talked he listened i spoke words that hurt him but, where simple and the blunt truth. I was so sad as i watch my husband my Jon crying because i had to tell him that i was falling out of love with. This job had taken him away from me and i let it! He in past had made promises to change to make his time at home more and less at work those old promises never got met. So i was fear full to believe that he would do it this time when he said it. I am glad i listened and spoke to him because now he has changed, the job is second and we come first. I have slowly started to rekindle that love for him everyday my bond my love for him grows stronger and we become the people we were meant to be. I know and have always known he is the love of my life and now we are back on track with who are.
After much talking we both agreed the store is taking us no where fast and we need more for our family. Good jobs, more opportunities for our kids and more time to make for each other. I still fear a bit that what i have done could back fire and he will resent me for asking him to see what i saw about our past goal the store but, i have faith that he really wants it not just for my happiness but, his too! I have to give faith in something that is scary because i felt my heart tear at the seems and i don't want it to again. I know though in my heart he wants it too and i am confident that we will pull out of all this together. Together i know we can make it through any hurtle if we just help each other and listen. Listening is the key to any marriage, any relationship If its not there than your bound to end up with heart ache and failure!
Thank you Jon for listening for realizing what we had and deciding we worth more than anything this world could offer us! I love you with all of my heart and i am yours for always!