Feels great to be back!

So its been day 4 since i have been back to fully counting my calories with the one free day a week and one non workout day as well. It has been wonderful and great to not have to feel guilty if i eat something i shouldnt have. that free day has def openned up a window of relief to not cheat during the week! I cant wait to get into the gym today again today. though the day off was really needed due to my sorness from my change in workouts! I am biking 6 days a week and running two days a week now. I was running 5 days a week but i am trying to give my body a 2 week window of just a few days a week to see what it will do to my weight loss. I must say that these last few lbs to lose have been the hardest ever. I fear failure though so that in its self has kept me pushing myself to no end. The biking is doing something wonderful to my leg muscles. i cant believe the difference in just a few days already the shape is unreal. So i will post more later today to this after my shift ends and i get my workouts in..
I will be kid free :-( sad sad sad...

Wow....

So Today I find myself struggling with so many things. First being that i am having a hard time balancing the kids sports with my new work schedule! i work 4-midnite 2 nites a week and during those two nights a week of course pj has basketball practice. I cant keep it up. Finding him a ride each day of basketball when i dont know anyone really in this town. My only good friend besides Danielle is moving out of town in March. My other two close friends just moved last week. I am struggling to maintain a happiness with my job here. It seems like though my boss is amazing its a struggle to keep up with good help here. The strickter the rules get for us all here as well when they dont seem to have exact order. Jons boss said i am welcome to work there and i finaly have come to the thought of taking it. I am sure it may be i hope abit easier to juggle the kids sports with us both being at the same job. dot dot dot.. crossed fingers!
I am now at 146lbs but i seem to keep putting myself right back up to 150 because i eat bad workout and repeat. Whats up with me? i think i am letting the stress eat away at me again. Its been so hard juggling the kids, sports, work and my health as well. It has become an over load to me! MY current job has been a wonderful experince for me, and Vicky is who i will miss the most. I fear telling her out of the fact its going to put her into a pickle but i need to do whats best for me and where i belong. I hope my hubby truly helps me get my schooling set up for september. I cant wait. well i need to find a running partner my age to keep me in gear. I do my first 10 run in march and my first half marathon in April.. woot woot.. i cant wait! well off for now i will write more laters!

The UnWanted news We Never Wanna Hear!

So I start my story with first an update of the last time I was on here! First and for most we have a nice home now, good jobs we both like, our children have made friends that are right next store and the very same ages as them! We after this month should come out on top and be caught up with our current bills and I am blessed to have us all together here and in one peace!!! woot woot for happiness!


Now for the current frightfull news I found out just last wednesday in the ER! I went to the hospital in great pain in my lower right side of my tummy just above my hip bone! I was there for many hours after returning from my trip there the day before when I lucked out to have found a good ER doc! she saw on my ultra sound and cat scans lots of extra fluids built up on top and around my ovaries! My heart dropped and fear then set in of what could be such as cancer and my babies and hubby were the first thing that popped into my mind!! She gave me the name of her good friend Dr. Michael Cheek and gave me some meds to comfort my pain until my appt with him this week! I saw him today and got lucky enough to have him walk me through all the steps I need to, to get better! first of all he is putting me n a birth control pill to shrink my cyst! which I have one on each ovary! the one on my right is larger then 6cm which is frightful yes but better to face the fear head on the dwell on it and let it eat away at what I have to fight this battle!! he doesn't think its cancer but until we get them to shrink up we will not know for sure! so its birth control, healthy eating, listening to my body and his advice that is the answer for now! I have not made it to the gym in over 5 weeks and he has now given me the go ahead to swing back into action and take over my body! to fill it with love and care it needs and I am so thankful that through this all I still have the drive and want to win this adventure! so please everyone keep me in your prayers that I keep pushing forward that the news that comes from this in 6weeks is good and that I don't let the fear of it all drag me down! I am ever so thankful for good friends and loved ones to support me in this battle! hugs and loves and I will update again soon as I am able!

Fighting Back ( It's about Damn Time)

So Today i woke up thinking to myself What The HELL is wrong with me? I have worked so hard, pushed so hard to get to this body why the hell would i go and mess it up? There is no need to be not watching what i put into my body just because my current schedule and moving does not allow me time for the gym. That's enough of that bull poop from me. I am going to take the kids to the park or on a walk alone the ocean. Any activity is better then non right? Though with money and time my eating is limited i can still calculate whats what and how much is to much.. I have let myself gain almost 3lbs this last few weeks slowly because i gave into the temptation of that Gosh Dang Depression What the" F" That was the old me and i let her go long ago.So back to the sunshine and roses life is too short to let bad choices become a habit. THANKS CAT FOR YOUR COMMENT. you might not know it but, it slapped my A** right back into reality that i am proud of you poured the guilt on me and said wake up. I so needed that you saved my moment, my lack of respect for myself and lack of control on my current living status let me think i could just not care nope i can and i will..
I love the new me! She is proud, bold, confident, I feel gorgeous and sexy for the first time in my life and i am so close to that swim suit body so shut up Gosh Dang Depression you have no Control over me so Get Lost and Find someone else to bother! I am now fully armed and ready for my day. I am off for some shopping today, a good jog sounds well i know the perfect park with steep hills to jog and walk while the kids play on the toys :)! 2 more weeks and life will be back to normal, back to my cooking, my eating habits, my life will be back in order with a hubby in my bed i cant wait for that normal again. Its funny how the normal, the comfort it provides is so much better then the lesser of normal lol. I am suppose to be a role model, a leader and what am i showing others if i let this being out of whack shit through me for a loop? i guess that i am Human but, that's just it i am not i am a Ray of Sunshine for the Lost and i aim to help others reach their goals to. Its so able to be met i promise. Everyone thinks i am crazy and abit obsessed about my working out and watching what i eat Well This is Exactly Why.. If i let myself go i don't stop because i have yet to be able to be free and control my old habits.. So listen up better to be obsessed about healthy habits then something else such as SHOES! So lets find me some workouts and some living smart books cause i am in this world to shake it up, loosen those old habit strings and make a better path for my kids, family, and friends than i myself was ever taught.
so off for my book work with the new look of my day and ready for whatever the day holds.. I am much stronger then at times i let myself think and i will beat this Gosh Dang thing no matter how hard it hits back i will win this fight because its the only answer to my self.. the only love one can give others is the love and respect that first starts with in!
Hugs and Cheers to Everyone on their Journey in life.. Lets shake it up and know that at the end of life we truly did Live!

Grrrrrrr..... i need some sunshine and no more gray

I sit here tired, worn out feeling why i am not sure. my weight loss is at a stand still and i feel so very drained i don't know exactly what that means but i can tell you my head feels as if its in a cloud or something and my poor eyes just want to close on shut. I am frustrated at my stand still with my body but yet again i have not really had much of that since i began this battle back in January so i couldn't really complain. I am thinking on taking a break from the gym but, scared to death that if i do i will just gain massive weight and end up back where i started oh so long ago. I have decided its many factors that lead up to it. I am in an area i am not use to, not use to the weather, my lack of family here, the stress of moving, of figuring out all the bills. Of adjusting to a new work schedule, a new gym and a missing workout buddy. The cloudy gray weather is making me down, is adding to the i am not doing good enough for my body. I feel lost, not in my normal enviorment or self? I know in time after the stress is gone, i get into my own schedule again, and i have my loved ones it will get better but, that doesn't take away my fear. Fear of failure, fear of losing control again over my eating, fear of losing who i have found, fear of not reaching my goal that is so not far way from here.. I only have 33lbs to go and i will be out of the losing battle and onto the maintaining.. If what they say is really true that maintaining is the hardest part should i be scared? or what? I want to do nothing more then sleep seriously that's all my eyes want to do. I am sleeping about 5.5-6 hours a day and on the weekends even more then that. I start my shift at midnight and get off at 8am.. trying to move my life around things have been difficult but, in the end i know its worth the battle i am ready for the change that's coming i just seriously wish my husband and kids where here. I feel so very ,lonely without them. I feel like i am not doing my motherly duties because i am working a job that's 200 miles away from them. I am missing out on their last weeks of school with their friends that will soon be miles away from them. I have a house full of shit to pack up and haul the freaking 200 miles to our new home. I am worried about my hubby finding a job its something that makes me get that sick kinda feeling in my stomach with worry that i want to just puke my guts out.
The few great factors of my move are these..
I LOVE MY NEW JOB... its something for the first time in forever that i can see myself working up in.
I AM CLOSER TO MY BEST FRIENDS.... whom i have needed so very much. its been a nice thing to have them back into the daily events of my life!
I have got to get out of this Freaking Depression that's whats getting a hold of me again. that and stress ugh someone please tell me i am going to make it through this all, that my body will still be the same as it is now or better? i fear gaining my weight so badly that, that too might be what has put my body at a stand still!so here is whats on my mind, in my thoughts and in my gut feelings..if any one person can shed some light please please do...

finding a home and good job!

As my time progress at my new job i fall in love with it more. I have come to find that as long as i do my best, feel like i have accomplished my task with confidence that everything falls into place. As we find ourselves in the work field we realize what it takes to become a part of team or the leader! I have to say i have met by far one of the best leaders ever. She has such confidence in me that it makes me try my best and see that i too am capable of much much bigger things! I find that my skills of work ethics, of people, of everyday life have helped me better my work environment!
I sale people a bed to sleep in while they travel. I get to hear so many interesting stories of their adventures, their home lands, their wedding to come our the anniversary of the ones that past. Its amazing what and who walks in our front door. It could be the person who needs the coat we do not use or the person who lends knowledge without even realizing they have lent it out. So as you see i love my job and i hope as i work hard and learn more i can advance and help better the company i work for.

As for a home we have found finally with a small yard, a good place for kids to ride their bikes, to place basketball and nice park just 5 mins down the street. Moving time is coming quickly, abit more faster then i realize and it makes me a bit nervous. I know as we get moved things will fall behind a bit in bills and it will take time for my babies to adjust to not having their normal group of friends around them. I am still traveling home to see my family on the weekends.. SO every saturday i get cozied up and drive the 200 mile drive to see my family. I miss them oh so very much and its even harder each time we part! this weekend the plans are to pack as much of the house as i can, I am ready fully to be done and set. To have work and plans made. To get back into the everyday pattern of life so my body succeeds with my weight loss. I have not really gained but, i am for sure at a platue. I have been bouncing back and forth over a lb and not really gotten below that grrrrr moment or mark. I sure hope it does soon but, i must admit as least i am no long ther 290 lbs i once was and that person who was lost deep in the depths of that depression will never ever be lost again! i sit now at 172lbs and know my goal is just around the corner.. another 32lbs and woot woot i am all done!

so now to get hubbys job under way and then all is done and set.. cross your fingers all.. i am off for night night and promise to write a much better structored tale of my happenings tomorrow!

The New Happenings

So the new in my life! I have started my new job which my friends found for me. I love all about it. I feel like its the first job in my life i can actually climb the work ladder and get somewhere. I see this as a great chance to gain great knowledge, to adventure and push myself where i never thought i could. My job i guess i should mention is being a night auditor at a hotel here. Its something i have never done before but, my boss has to be one of the kindest most sweet ladies i have ever met. She would go to great langhts to see an employee succeed as long as she is fully aware they are giving their all! She has been patient with my questions, she gets my simple weird witty personality and she even jokes around which is something most bosses do not do! I have met nothing but kind people there so far and the main Boss gave me a compliment which so boosted my confidence level to succeed at what i am doing.
The coast has been gorgeous though the weather is abit colder than i am use to i am sure though after time i will adjust. My friends have been great aid in helping me here, they provide and give me a wonderful place to rest my head, help me search for homes on their times off, give me support in my choices and never put me down. Its something that without their help i could not get through.
Its been a very difficult thing to not be close to home with my hubby and babies. My heart Aches for them and i find it hard to not at times cry myself to sleep not because i feel like i wont see them just because they are what makes my heart truly whole. My babies are so growing up. They don't need to hear mommies voice everyday or ask me each time when i am coming home. I went home for my first weekend last weekend to see them after being gone a week. It was amazing i watched my little boy run out of the back yard to see me and my eyes just started dripping huge tears it was one of the happiest moments of my life! I never realized how much one can truly miss someone until this moment. My little cuddle bug has been okay without me which tells me that he is growing up and my daughter i miss her conversations of how her day was and who she met, or what and who had the big complaint of her day. I miss the warmth of my hubbys loving arms and his security so very much but, its with their love and support i am able to go one. i am able to succeed in my new job and make things work.
My poor hubby has been working night and day to help us get set up to move. I am so very proud of him and all he does. Without him my life would so be empty and lost.. I have been house searching for a week now i am guessing i am way to picky cause i have not found something i really like yet except those gorgeous ones that make your mouth drop that have the ocean view lol.. I just don't want to have to pack up again and move again ya know but, time is running out and i am going to just have to pick something. I truly want to live in town but, i know my son would miss having a yard and my hubby prefers country living so i am beginning to think that a house i saw about 3 miles out of town is best for us or i should say our family.
I am ready for Saturday to get here so i can drive home and see my hubby and kids.. its going to be amazing! so that's where i am so far and soon we will all be packed up and moved here to the coast.. OHOHOH and i love the gym here its amazing and has so many things i have never used before ... I think my friends have taught me something i never knew and i hope i am helping them find out things they may have never know haha... so keep your fingers cross my lazy ass decides on a house.. i need to get my butt in gear!